Change.

I thought about creating a new blog for the past couple days... but in the midst of writing this post, I changed my mind. Sticking with this blog shows me how much I'm learning about myself and how much I'm changing through my college days. I guess this just calls for a layout change then. Not now, but soon. :)

I need new friends.

This current winter vacation has by far been the most boring vacation I've ever had. To start it off, I've been sick all this time (mainly just excessive phlegm in the morning, but sick nonetheless). I also haven't really gone out at all. I'd say I went out 3 times... and two weeks have passed. How sad is that?

My thing is that I only hang out with close friends. I don't really socialize with anyone else but the two that I have. And needless to say, they're preoccupied with girls or work.

The problem I've realized about myself is that I don't express myself. All this time, throughout my 19 years of living, I wanted to be seen as the independent girl who could take care of herself - no help needed. I kept my emotions to myself, filtered my words to prevent judgment, strove to remain neutral in discussions, etc. I thought this was the way people should present themselves, but I can now see that it's not. Living and thinking this way has only made me boring. I was watching some show earlier today, or possibly a few days ago, and someone said "people like feeling needed." Now, I've heard this saying many times before, but I guess I never took it to heart. It took me all this time to realize that I didn't make people feel needed. I was always just there. I never called someone in tears. I never called someone to tell them of a heartbreak, or of a new romance. I never called you. My problem is that I'm too conserved. I don't share the kodak moments of my life, or any part of it really. I've bottled myself up for too long and I think its time for me to let go.

Two steps forward, one step back.

Once again, I feel lost. About two weeks ago, I could honestly say I was set on majoring in kinesiology, nutrition, or public health. It didn't take much for me to change my mind once again.

What happened? Anatomy and Physiology. I got my third exam grade back Thanksgiving weekend, and needless to say, it was horrible. It was way worse than I expected. In fact, I expected my grade to be a lot better. I actually remember walking out of the exam room thinking I did fine. I guess I didn't. The thing is that that's not the only exam I did bad on. So far, my exam grades have been 84, 64, and 60. I only have one more exam for this class, which is the final, and I'm not sure how well I'm going to do. The problem is that this is my first exam on exam week. It's actually scheduled on the earliest time slot available, Monday at 8am. I mean, I'm definitely going to try my hardest to study a ton and ace it, but after calculating my possible grade for the class, the highest I can get is a C... With the huge possibility of getting a D.

I'm just not sure what to do. I can always take the class over to replace that grade, but am I still even interested in Kin? Should I try nutrition out? I don't know if I'm ever going to be sure of myself when I go through classes this way. I need to find my big picture and work my way down... or else I'll be stuck here forever.

I suck at this.

I've become really bad with this whole blogging thing. It used to be a daily activity of mine, but is now more of a monthly thing. I guess school has just gotten to me. I'm still constantly doing work or studying. It could also be the fact that I, interestingly enough, no longer feel the need to blog. It might also be because I'm beginning to call people and talk my problems and feelings out to someone when I need to. It feels great realizing that because I never used to verbalize my feelings and emotions, or problems going on in my life. Life's a lot better this way.

On another note, I'm finally back in Boston for Thanksgiving and I can say I'm quite ready to go back. It's not because I'm sick of Boston or the people here, but because I've really come to believe that I have eating problems when I'm home. Why? Because my mom makes too much food, there's too many snacks lying around, and I just have nothing else to do! I mean, I was alright in the summer because I was able to go outside and run everything off, but now it's a lot colder and I just can't find the guts to run out in such weather. It's really a problem. I feel sick to my stomach each time I eat. Also, another reason for my binge eating is because I become so dehydrated here. My parents tend to boil water before consuming it, so I've just become accustom to that at home. If I were anywhere else, I wouldn't mind if it was boiled, filtered, or straight from the tap. I just tend to drink water quicker than it is boiled and cooled that I end up having no more water to drink, and an increased appetite due to dehydration. Anyways, this has been an ongoing internal battle for quite some time now. I find that the key is to just kick myself out of the house and keep busy.

Along with that tidbit of information about myself, I also have an update on my love life. Adam, my "random encounters" man did end up having a thing for me. How did I figure that out? Because he tried to kiss me. Did I let him? Nope. Why? Because of Jamie. Long story short, Adam left one weekend, which just so happens was the weekend I hooked up with my neighbor two doors down from me. It just didn't feel right to kiss one guy after hooking up with another two days before. Anyways, I think the whole Adam thing is over because I'm assuming he got back together with his ex-girlfriend, seeing how he hasn't visited me in approximately a week (unlike he used to when he'd visit at least once every two or three days). I think that's fine with me though, seeing as every part of me told me I had stronger feelings for Jamie. The odd thing is that I'm quite sure things won't really work out with Jamie and I. Well, I'm sure they can, but I just feel like they won't. He's just a bit crazy for me. And "crazy's" probably not the right word, but he is just very much like a free spirit. He allows himself the ability to just drop everything and leave. He even said it upfront to me that he plans on leaving for California on a blank slate, or in other words, single, which is what I assumed he'd be doing regardless of whether he told me or not... And to be honest, I was pretty okay with that. I didn't want to rush into anything seeing as we barely knew one another. But what really confused me was this one time he told me he was a bit jealous of something subtle this other guy did to me, which made me question how much he really liked me. He's just really confusing, as is the situation he's putting us in. Is it odd that typing all this makes me want to stray away from this relationship though? Or, it could also be my sleepiness kicking in. Anyways, farewell for now and goodnight.

Home.

I don't have much time to myself. Well, I guess I've been spending a lot of time by myself; I just haven't been using it for myself.

This semester has been so hectic for me. I've never had so many exams in my lifetime. I've had at least one every week since the 22nd of September, and along with that, I have a quiz every week as well. The crazy thing is that I'm only taking four classes, whereas I usually take five. I guess that's just what happens when you decide on a major.

But besides me complaining about my hectic classes, I know you've been waiting to hear about my love life - since I'm always talking about the many men that take part in my life. As of now, there's no one I'm dating or really talking to. I mean, there was this guy I met in Jersey when I went with Maddie back home, but it didn't take me too long to realize we were living in two separate worlds. Our outlooks on life were just too different. Other than him, I haven't really met anyone else - unless you consider this guy I bump into randomly and quite frequently a possible love interest. I do, however, believe he has a girlfriend, which means he's off the market. Anyways, he looks and seems really sweet. And I don't know if this is only my outlook on the two of us, but it seems as if we're always so captivated with one another when we do bump into each other. Our random relationship is quite interesting. It was only yesterday that we finally introduced ourselves after weeks of random encounters. I wonder what will become of us.

And speaking of men, my Anatomy and Physiology Lab TA is so cute! I'd die if something were to happen between the two of us. He just seems so smart and approachable! But I highly doubt any romantic relationship would become of us because of the whole age difference thing. He's probably also taken because... come on. Who wouldn't want him? Oh, I need a miracle! Haha.

Anyways, I've come to terms with Baker for quite some time now. I really like it here. The people are nice, the place is calm, and there's just so many people you can meet. But even though I do like it here, I can honestly say that I miss home/Boston. I was walking back to my dorm a while back and overheard someone saying how they love it here, but they're tired of it. And it's not because Amherst can be rowdy or anything, but it's simply because of home, because of family. And I understood her. I miss my mom, my dad, and my brother. I miss slouching on my couch and watching countless hours of television. Home... it's so calming.

Lost.

There have been so many times that I've found myself wanting to blog about everything going on in my life. I've just been too consumed with school, exams, my social life, homework, etc. And when I'm not doing any of those things, I try to read or just relax.

Lately, as in pretty much these past two days or so, I haven't really been able to hold myself together. Well, I guess I appear to be alive and well, but inside, my mind is going on these crazy tangents.

Once again, I find myself lost in this vast world. I should be used to this by now, but I'm not. I'm questioning what I want to do with my life - which road I should take. Should I do something in kinesiology, or nutrition? Or, should I just trash both ideas and pursue something in art, design, or even something in the culinary field?

Not only am I mind boggled by my future career, but I'm also at a loss for romance. I'm starting to think I'm too picky. But at the same time, do I deserve anything less than what I'm looking for now? I think they're already low enough. In fact, I feel like my standards should be increasing even more with age.

There's so many things I know I want to say, but I no longer find this time to be the right anymore. There's so many things I feel like saying and are almost condemned to say, but I just don't know how to approach them. I feel so open and free, but at the same time so closed and restricted. I sort of feel alone. I mean, I know I have people I can talk to, but I just can't bring myself to do so. I just don't know...

The Good Life.

What's motivated me to write this post was a conversation I had with Toren last night. I asked him what he'd do with a degree in Public Health. He had no definite answer. Instead, he explained to me why he chose Public Health over Kinesiology; "because I want to graduate in time." The second he said that was the second I realized how much my perspective on college, and education in general has changed.

I remember very clearly something Nemat told me once before - that college students have great lives. I've finally come to terms with that. As students, we pretty much just live to learn and play. This is the time in our lives where we have complete control with everything we do. We decide when we want to have classes, when we wake up, when we have days off, the clubs we join, whether or not we want a job, and pretty much what we want to eat. I can't think of much we don't have control over.

Why Toren's words struck me so hard was because he basically chose his career path due to his inability to graduate in four years. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I just found his logic to be so idiotic! Why on earth would you pick a direction to lead your life in without knowing where it can take you, while you know very well the destination of the other? And to make his decision sound even more idiotic, he also knows he wants to do Kinesiology! He knows his heart's in it. That's what phases me the most - he knows what he wants, but he seems to have such a great fear of sticking UMass out for another year that it's holding him back.

Anyways, I'm going to finally go inside the library (I'm currently sitting outside and soaking in the sun) and do some work. Au revior! Tu me manques. French class is going very well so far. :)