Fridays.

I'm having one of my mellow Friday's. Well... I guess I've been having a few of those for quite some time now. I've probably said this before, but I'm getting sick of the whole "party" scene. Well... not necessarily parties, but just hanging out with people in general. I think I just do too much hanging out.

On another note, I went to my Anthro discussion earlier on in the day and loved it. My TA is just the most adorable thing ever. He's really awkward and seems sweet. He's gotten me interested in Anthro after the first discussion. Amazing, isn't he? Haha. Just kidding. But really, he seems great and believe it or not, but I actually look forward to these early 9:05 discussions.

Anyways, people are probably roaming around the dorm and intoxicating themselves right now, but I'm quite satisfied lying in my bed. I miss having alone time and I guess I usually take advantage of whatever time I get.

By the way, Maddie and I purchased our Ski & Snowboard tickets for Mt. Snow this upcoming Sunday. That's basically tomorrow! I'm so excited. I'm going to be bundled in so much clothes. It's going to be great. My first time snowboarding. Also, it was only $55 bucks for everything - bus trip to and fro, breakfast bagel, lift for small slope, two hour lessons, and rentals. Great deal, huh? :) Also, I forgot to mention that Max is coming with us. Everyone agrees and thinks he likes me and it makes me feel kind of awkward around him. I just feel like I have to hold back a bit around him or else it might make him feel like those feelings are being returned. He's a cool guy and all. That was established the first time we officially met. I just don't look at him that way. I'm still stuck on the man in my dreams...

By the way, here's an apple I drew on Thursday. I bought some nice pens for cheap and they got me into an artsy mood. I call it "Apply of my eye." :)

It was just a dream...

(This was written between the hour of 9AM and 10:30AM today.)

I woke up not too long ago to find Maddie's obnoxiously loud alarm clock, frantic and confused. The music was so loud I couldn't hear my own thoughts. And to think, she slept right through it! After she turned it off, I remembered that I had just woken up from a dream, and what a raunchy dream it was!

After stepping out of the bathroom from brushing my teeth, something reminds me of my dream. There he is, coming up from the stairwell... the man in my dreams.

It had occurred to me that I had made out intensely with a man. And who was that man? No one else but the person I've been talking about in my previous posts. From what I remember, we had made out. The sad part is that I don't really remember what exactly happened.

(I'm actually in my Anthro discussion writing this the old fashion way. I didn't want to lug my netbook around. We just did a class activity and I was Buffy the Vampire Slayer.)

Anyways, I'm in Soc now. Raf skipped class, so I'm alone. So back to my dream, the only thing I remembered was making out with him. My friends were in it too and they were rooting for me to go to him whenever he was out of my presence. They pushed me to go back to him, but knowing me there was some internetal conflict going on. I wasn't completely sure of him, but because of peer pressure, I gave in. I mean, it was fun. I had a good time.

I just can't believe I saw him at that hour in the day. I mean, it was a bit after 8AM and he's never up at that time of day. Never. He usually wakes up at noon or past noon. It was nice though. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't have remembered anything from my dream. I had a good morning.


(Now.)

After coming home from classes today, I went to the bathroom and once I stepped out, I went to his room. It took me a while to realize that he was putting clothes in his bag. I asked if he was leaving for the weekend and sadly, he was. He left so suddenly, but I'm glad I got to see him for the time being.

I thought about him some more after dinner and I've realized that I do like him. I do. I guess I just have relationship problems... commitment issues. It makes me afraid of getting into relationships. I admit it. I'm afraid of being with someone and ruining a good friendship. Well... I just have a feeling that I would ruin a friendship, break a heart, and get my heart broken. I have a tendency to do that.

Anyways, there's like 13 people in my room and I'm in my own little bubble right now. I think it's time to go. Update later in the AM, maybe.

Facebook.

Ever since I got to UMass, I haven't been using Facebook all too often. It was rare for me to even log onto it once a day. However, after the start of my second semester here, I have been keeping tabs on it.

Today, I logged onto Facebook and was bombarded with a message sent by a friend through an application. The message had to do with Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day...? What's that? If it wasn't for Facebook, I would've completely forgotten about the day dedicated to romance. It's funny seeing as I've been thinking about romance quite often according to my previous posts. You would've thought I'd remember it, but nope. I think it has to do with just living in Amherst. When I'm here, I feel like I'm in a different part of the world. It's almost as if nothing outside Amherst exists. Nothing bothers me. Nothing comes my way. I'm just surrounded by this lovely calm atmosphere. The people are friendly, the area is safe, there are always people I can depend on and talk to. What more can you ask for? Romance? Perhaps... I would almost feel greedy to ask for that. Life seems almost complete even without a guy.

I wonder why I've been thinking so much about men. I tend not to, or try not to at least. After realizing I didn't want to "waste" time on pointless relationships, I decided to wait to find someone I can actually see myself with. Do my thoughts about relationships mean that this guy might actually be special? He sure seems like it; a humble, fun, loving guy.

I have this thing about me where I try to avoid talking about people I'm interested in. I have this theory that when I talk to friends about guys, feelings develop a lot faster, and at times, they may be false feelings. Thinking about them are okay, but talking about them just doesn't seem to be. I guess it's because other peoples opinions and thoughts get in the way of mine. So if you're reading this and wondering why I haven't told you I'm interested in so and so, this is why. Don't take it personally. I just need to figure out myself whether or not I'm really interested in this person, and when I do, I won't hesitate to tell. ;)

Bloooooood.

After years of wanting to donate blood, I can finally say I've done it. But I still have to admit that it doesn't feel as rewarding as I thought it would be. People just seemed like a-holes to begin with. I mean, they probably didn't mean any harm, but I just felt like I was given an attitude for the most part. It seemed as though I wasn't wanted; like my blood wasn't needed and it didn't matter if I donated or not. There were just so many restrictions and being 18 didn't help at all. In fact, I was questioned even more. I never knew there was such a huge difference in being 18 and 19.

In addition to having a difficult time applying to be a donor, I also had a difficult time donating! Apparently, the workers found it difficult to locate my veins. It took two people to find them. The first person needed a second opinion and abandoned me, the second person finally poked me and got my blood going and then left because her shift ended, and then I was basically left for grabs. My veins were also misbehaving since it took me forever to fill the bag.

By the way, they checked my iron my poking me in the finger! I still remember getting those shots as a child and hating every bit of it. I actually still do. My finger is bruised and in pain. As you can tell, I've been a big wimp today. I feel drained of energy and I'm not sure if it's because of my loss of blood or if it's just me being lazy. The muscles around my joints just don't seem to want to work. I feel like a paraplegic.

On another note, my netbook is screwing up. The keyboard and touch pad keeps freezing. I mean, it has been doing that for a while, but I've always just ignored it. I think it's time to finally do something about it though. I don't want to worry about losing work anymore! I just hope I still have warranty for it and can get it replaced or something.

Anyways, I'm going to bed. I need to catch up on sleep. I think my lack of sleep has to do with this lack of energy. Goodnight.

Spiders

Matt B. hates them and so do I. haha

We just had a long conversation on how much he hates spiders and how much I hate bugs in general. We both seem to have this serious phobia of them. It's funny because things that have happened to me that were spider related has also happened to him; such as spiders dangling from the ceiling only inches away from our faces, or finding spiders or spider remains on or around our bed.

It's really funny to see his reactions though. He's such a character; in a good way, of course. He has the best facial expressions when he's disgusted or afraid. He's also really ambitious and says things "matter-of-factly", as my roommate has pointed out. College life just wouldn't be the same without him.

On another note, I can't ever seem to find enough in myself to tell anyone about someone I might be interested in. I'm not sure why. I guess it's just because I'm a private person. I do however, feel like that has to change. I need to become a little more open and out there, but I guess that will happen once I'm more sure of my feelings. I don't want to be pressured into liking someone (which has definitely happened to me before). I'm just going to let my own feelings take its course.

Speaking of guys and feelings, I think someone might like me... I'm not completely sure though. I mean, I met him not too long ago and we don't know one another well enough to think of each other that way. At least, that's what I think. I just feel like he's getting too close too fast. I could also just be full of myself at the moment and he might in fact just want to hang out and be friends.

By the way, I plan on snowboarding this weekend! I'm stoked. Maddie and I plan on going so far. This trip is going to be super cheap. Seeing as it's basically made for beginners, the ride, rentals, food, lift, and everything is supposed to be $55. That's super cheap. I can't wait! Anyways, it's that time again. I'm lucky I only have an 11:15 tomorrow. Then I'm going to donate blood for the first time! Yay. Wish my luck and pray that I don't faint! Goodnight:)

Patience

I gave myself some goals this semester, but I hate to say that I haven't been fulfilling them. I was planning to read and finish a book every two to three weeks, but I haven't even read 10 pages of it. I have, however, been reading daily.

On another note, I've been feeling a bit down lately. It's not such a big deal though. It's not like I'm depressed or anything. I just feel like there's something missing at the moment and I'm not exactly sure what that something is. It might just be because I feel a little lovesick. Lots of talks about romance and boys have been going on this past week and I guess I kind of wish I found someone myself. It's really no big deal though. I have all my life to find a guy.

It's kind of weird to be writing about relationships on a blog for my English class. I mean, I do put my blog up for the world to see, but it's just weird knowing my English professor might be reading this.

Anyways... to continue on with the whole relationship business, I've found myself to be crushing on this guy. I know I said I'd name names, but I'm not sure if I should; seeing as someone he knows may stumble upon my blog and tell him. It's nothing serious though. I just have a little crush.

I've realized that I say that to myself a lot; that 'it's nothing' and nothing is what's going to become of it. I guess it's not necessarily a bad thing. Before, I'd go after a guy a couple days after meeting him. Now, I don't. The reason for this is because I don't want to do that anymore. I told myself I'd get to know someone as a friend before really making a move. and that is exactly what I am doing. I'd say it's better that way. It worked when I liked Matt, or thought I liked him. (I told you I'd name names!) But yeah... I'm glad I didn't do anything with him. I just look at him as a nice guy now. Not really someone I'd pursue at the moment.

Anyways, it's getting late and I have a 10:10 in a few hours. Keep tabs, and goodnight!

Hello World,

This is going to be my new blog – for this semester, at least. (Wow. This sucks. My keyboard just fucked up, made me restart my computer, and deleted everything I just wrote except for my first sentence. Great. Anyways...) The reason for this new blog is because of my English 112 class. We're required to write journal entries daily. It's no big deal though. I'm okay with this assignment because I've wanted to blog daily for some time now. This just gives me the motivation and reason to do so. (Amazing. I just found wireless internet in my dorm!) I also plan on making this blog more personal and raw compared to my previous blog, which was vague and 'professional', if you will. Honestly, I'm just using this blog as a place to spill my thoughts, ideas, guts, and feelings out to whomever is willing to listen; or read. So with nothing further to say, here goes my first post.

It's my first weekend here at UMass this semester, and I feel kind of different... I no longer feel the need to hang out with friends daily. You know, I've already met great people whom I love living with. I just feel like I have too much fun and need to focus on my own life more. I feel like I'm at this place in my life where I'm stuck, and there hasn't been too much progress. I feel like I'm still at the same place I was a couple years back. I mean, I'm growing, maturing, everything. The problem is that I still don't know what I want to do with my life. I also don't feel the need to party or follow people around. I guess I've just always been the type of person who does their own thing and lives their own life.

On a different note, I've already met some more people in my dorm and I'm pretty interested in getting to know them more. They have similar personalities to me. One of their names is Max. He's a really sweet guy, pretty quiet but open at the same time, chill, fun, great to talk to, someone I can relate to, doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, “never, never” we'd say, and he's just a great guy overall. He seems like someone whom I can become close friends with easily. We don't look for trouble and seem to just enjoy the presence of others. I don't know where he is at this moment, but I hope I get to talk to him sometime tonight. I plan on having a productive night; reading, talking, getting to know others, playing games, and just doing my own thing.

I'm done blogging tonight though. I've actually been looking forward to posting all night. It took me such a long time to find some time away from all the chaos in my dorm. I'm actually in my lounge right now, which always seems to be my safe haven. It's kinda weird that I can find comfort and privacy here seeing as this is the main entrance and people walk by all the time, but yep. This is my haven. Anyways, 'til next time.

Love,
Lauren