6 Hours.

I've been sleeping at around 3am all week, and every time I count the hours of sleep I'd be getting, I end up with the number six. For some reason, that number always seemed to be a decent amount. Now that I think about it, I don't feel that way anymore. Six hours of sleep is really little.

I don't know what's been going on in my mind all week. I've just been camping out at the library - going right after class, leaving only for dinner, and going right back to the library until the AM. I've basically been living here all week. The only thing I've really done back at my dorm is sleep. I've only given myself Thursday off all week. I've also skipped three classes, which is bizarre of me, seeing as I haven't skipped a single class all semester. It was however, partially because of my stubbed toe, which was too painful to walk on Monday morning, and a hastle to deal with on Tuesday. For those reasons, I skipped my Sociology class on Monday, and my Oceanography class on Tuesday. The third class I skipped was, once again, Oceanography, meaning I haven't gone to that class all week. I just find it pointless to go seeing as I've done the intended number of worksheets in class, and all the lecture notes are online. I will, however, go to the last class next tuesday.

Anyways, I'm at the library with Molly and she's now ready to go, which means I am too. My stubbed toe is practically healed, and I can't wait to sleep. Update you later. Time to troop back. Goodnight!

By the way, I'm sick and will hopefully recover in time to enjoy the nice weather. It's going to be in the 70's and 80's this weekend. I'm stoked.

Step 1

I just got off the phone with Trinh. She told me she talked to Dave and that he said his feelings for me just aren't strong enough to risk our friendship. She also told me he wasn't looking for something serious at the moment and doesn't want to fool around with me and hurt me.

I don't really know what to think at the moment. I'm still trying to register all this information and come to a place where I can finally say for sure that he doesn't like me so that I can move on. It's hard because I'm making up all these possibilities and excuses as to why he might not have made a move yet. In my mind, I feel like he hasn't done anything because he feels like we might actually have potential, not because his feelings aren't strong enough. I mean, he does walk me to places, hug me hello and goodbye, and kiss me on the cheek. I can't really name anyone else he does that to, nor have I heard of him doing that to anyone. I understand the fooling around part and everything, but the whole "strong feelings" thing is hard to believe. It seems as though he looks at us as either being friends 'til the end, or being in a relationship and nothing more if that ends. I know I don't know much about him, but maybe that's what all his past relationships were. Maybe they were all quick - in the sense that he had met the girl not too long ago before they got together, and when they broke up, they wouldn't talk anymore. Maybe that's why he never really thought twice about going out with someone before; there wasn't another part of them he could lose - the friendship part. I mean, we have known one another for a really long time. It's just weird thinking of it that way because I wouldn't consider us to be close friends. We don't hang out with one another often, or really at all.

The only thing that really has the potential to help me move on is the fact that he ended up talking about other girls when he was talking to Trinh. She made it seem like he was saying complete bullshit when he talked about not wanting to hurt me. It almost helps me believe that he has no interest in me.

I don't know... Am I being completely delirious? Should I declare myself clinically insane yet? Or are my thoughts actually logical?

I asked Trinh if I should still talk to him about this once I get back. She said she doesn't think it would be worth it seeing as he'd probably go in circles by saying he wouldn't want to risk hurting me, and that I would probably end up even more heart broken. But part of me feels like I need to hear that. Part of me feels like I need to hurt. I need to hurt a lot more. I feel like I need to hit rock bottom so that I can pick myself up from there and rebuild anew.

When I get over him, I don't want to look back...

I

am a confused and naive.

There are many times when I find myself not knowing what to do, how to act, or most importantly, how to feel when I'm with a guy. It's what holds me back all the time. I think about things too much - whether doing something is wrong or right. Even giving a simple kiss makes me question myself. Am I being irrational? Does anyone else feel the need to think about things like this - especially if you're not in a relationship? Or am I right for doing this? Is college just brainwashing me to think I'm the weird one?

I've also come up with another reason as to why this might be happening to me. I think I've forgotten how to like. 

You know what? I don't even know what I'm saying or thinking right now. As said in the first line of this post, I'm confused and naive. I also think my 12 hours of sleep is messing with my mind. With that said, I'm going to try and get some work done. I have about three papers to write. I'll catch you when I'm more myself.

By the way, here's to sum up my weekend:
Roommate-less, no Jonathan, no Cindy, Mike, Mario Party(?), Star Wars I, not so much Star Wars II, sleep, Mike, Mike, confused, Mike and friends, breakfast, frisbee, town, purple hair dye, dinner, improv, shower, drunk Tim, drunk people, Kevin, sleep, today.

And speaking of purple hair dye, I think I might be dying the bottom of my hair purple. Dark purple, though. I don't plan on bleaching it. Anyways, adios.

342!

I'm going to be in Baker next year! I'm so happy I got into the dorm of my choice. Sadly, after I picked the room, Maddie came to the library and told me she'd rather be in the corner room but I couldn't move her anymore, so we stuck with our room. It's okay though. We're pretty content about our choice even though we wont have our amazing view anymore. We decided having a social life is more important.

Another update I have is that I won in the art show! I found out right after the show ended at around 10:30pm last night. Geoff came to my door and told me I had won. I was so shocked and am still pretty shocked about it. I can't believe it! He said I got more votes than Chad, who is an architecture major (I believe)! Although, he only have two pieces in the show, while I had six. Anyways, seeing as my apple drawing might've gotten me the most amount of votes, it reminded me about how much I enjoy making art. Winning also makes me really consider continuing art. It reinforces this so called "talent" of mine and makes me want to try harder to get into that art class next semester. I also think I'm going to minor in art at the very least.

Anyways, that's really all I have to say today. I've been slacking so much this past week. I've been so lazy. By the way, Maddie left today so I'm all alone for the rest of the weekend. Taste of UMass was also today, which was really cool. There were so many different types of yummy food. I also got to eat a piece of the largest sushi in... New England? That was neat. Writing about all this food makes me hungry, so that's my signal to start doing work. Catch you later!

Tick. Tock.

Each and every day that passes by makes me think about the little time I have left at UMass. This year has gone by so quickly. I already know the next three years are going to fly by. It sucks knowing how quickly everything is happening. I only have about two weeks of classes left, finals, and then I'll be gone by the 12th. I'm dreading the day I move out. I really don't want to leave Amherst and its warm atmosphere. It's so calming.

I also don't know what I'm going to do for my summer. Part of me wants a job and the other part of me doesn't. I'm telling myself I'm going to read a lot, teach myself a some French, visit family, and possibly even make a trip to Algeria and visit Sihem (as well as learn French), but knowing myself, this might not happen. I am, however, very motivated to do all of this at the moment. I just don't want to risk wasting my summer.

Anyways, I'm somewhat distracted at the moment. I'm blasting music into my ears, which makes it difficult for me to blog, so I'm going to head out for dinner. I'm also playing the song "Run" from the previous post which means I'm distracted by thoughts of Dave as I'm typing.

By the way, today's a Monday at UMass to make up for Patriots Day, so I have my late class tonight. That should explain my early dinner.

P.S. There's an art and writing exhibition in the basement of my dorm tonight at 8pm. I brought my artwork down to Geoff Monday night with the intention of only submitting my Burt's Bees piece, but he ended up taking five additional pieces. That means I have six pieces in the show. Also, there will be voting, which means there's a prize for the winner. Wish me luck!

P.P.S. I won't even make it to the show on time because my Anthro class ends at 8:10pm. Pooooo. :(

Wrong.

So I spoke to Maddie about Dave and she made me realize that I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm trying.

What I told her was that as much as I am attracted to other guys, such as Nick or Nemat, I find myself doing wrong whenever I hook up with someone. But in truth, nothing I'm doing is necessarily wrong. In theory, it's correct. It's me trying to move on. It's me following my brain. That's what Maddie made me realize - that I'm following my brain. I'm giving someone a chance to win my heart. The only problem is that my heart isn't in it... not for those guys at least. My heart is telling me to go to Dave. It's crying out so loudly for him.

What makes me feel so weird about this is that it feels so wrong. And for what reason? None. There shouldn't be a reason as to why this feels wrong. I should be completely open to dating people. I'm not in a relationship with Dave - I never have been. We barely talk. I barely know him. But why do I feel like I am, in some way, "cheating" on him when I'm with someone else?

Thinking back, this was always a problem. Seeing how I've liked him for so many years, even when I was with someone else, my relationships always ended because of the feelings I had for him. They were so strong and always overpowering. I'd give up anyone and anything to be with him. That's why I have to figure this out once and for all. If I don't, I don't think I'd ever be able to move on. Just thinking about this scares me so much. I have no idea how I'd manage to get over him. I really wish I wouldn't have to, but part of me feels like I will. Part of me knows this is going to have to end. And I'd even say a really large part of me believes that, but I don't want to think that way just yet.

Anyways, I have work to do. Once again, the song of the night is Run by Snow Patrol. I feel like I can relate this song to my situation with Dave. I hate him. I say that all the time, but you and I know that that's not true. Not even one bit of it...

Midnight Songs.

I've been waiting since birth to find a love that would look and sound like a movie, so I changed my plans. I rented a camera and a van and then I called you. "I need you to pretend that we are in love again," and you agreed too.

I want so badly to believe that there is truth, that love is real. And I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd.

>> The Postal Service - Clark Gable

This song basically explains my feelings at the moment. I've been thinking about Dave a lot these past couple days. It's weird how I have moments when I think about him a lot, and sometimes a little. What scares me is that there's only a few more weeks until I see him. That means I only have a few more weeks until I confront him about my feelings. I can't allow myself to go on another summer or another year like this. I've decided that by next fall, I'm either going to fall madly in love with him, or completely over him. I have to. But for now, "I want so badly to believe that there is truth that love is real..."