Step 1

I just got off the phone with Trinh. She told me she talked to Dave and that he said his feelings for me just aren't strong enough to risk our friendship. She also told me he wasn't looking for something serious at the moment and doesn't want to fool around with me and hurt me.

I don't really know what to think at the moment. I'm still trying to register all this information and come to a place where I can finally say for sure that he doesn't like me so that I can move on. It's hard because I'm making up all these possibilities and excuses as to why he might not have made a move yet. In my mind, I feel like he hasn't done anything because he feels like we might actually have potential, not because his feelings aren't strong enough. I mean, he does walk me to places, hug me hello and goodbye, and kiss me on the cheek. I can't really name anyone else he does that to, nor have I heard of him doing that to anyone. I understand the fooling around part and everything, but the whole "strong feelings" thing is hard to believe. It seems as though he looks at us as either being friends 'til the end, or being in a relationship and nothing more if that ends. I know I don't know much about him, but maybe that's what all his past relationships were. Maybe they were all quick - in the sense that he had met the girl not too long ago before they got together, and when they broke up, they wouldn't talk anymore. Maybe that's why he never really thought twice about going out with someone before; there wasn't another part of them he could lose - the friendship part. I mean, we have known one another for a really long time. It's just weird thinking of it that way because I wouldn't consider us to be close friends. We don't hang out with one another often, or really at all.

The only thing that really has the potential to help me move on is the fact that he ended up talking about other girls when he was talking to Trinh. She made it seem like he was saying complete bullshit when he talked about not wanting to hurt me. It almost helps me believe that he has no interest in me.

I don't know... Am I being completely delirious? Should I declare myself clinically insane yet? Or are my thoughts actually logical?

I asked Trinh if I should still talk to him about this once I get back. She said she doesn't think it would be worth it seeing as he'd probably go in circles by saying he wouldn't want to risk hurting me, and that I would probably end up even more heart broken. But part of me feels like I need to hear that. Part of me feels like I need to hurt. I need to hurt a lot more. I feel like I need to hit rock bottom so that I can pick myself up from there and rebuild anew.

When I get over him, I don't want to look back...