Wrong.

So I spoke to Maddie about Dave and she made me realize that I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm trying.

What I told her was that as much as I am attracted to other guys, such as Nick or Nemat, I find myself doing wrong whenever I hook up with someone. But in truth, nothing I'm doing is necessarily wrong. In theory, it's correct. It's me trying to move on. It's me following my brain. That's what Maddie made me realize - that I'm following my brain. I'm giving someone a chance to win my heart. The only problem is that my heart isn't in it... not for those guys at least. My heart is telling me to go to Dave. It's crying out so loudly for him.

What makes me feel so weird about this is that it feels so wrong. And for what reason? None. There shouldn't be a reason as to why this feels wrong. I should be completely open to dating people. I'm not in a relationship with Dave - I never have been. We barely talk. I barely know him. But why do I feel like I am, in some way, "cheating" on him when I'm with someone else?

Thinking back, this was always a problem. Seeing how I've liked him for so many years, even when I was with someone else, my relationships always ended because of the feelings I had for him. They were so strong and always overpowering. I'd give up anyone and anything to be with him. That's why I have to figure this out once and for all. If I don't, I don't think I'd ever be able to move on. Just thinking about this scares me so much. I have no idea how I'd manage to get over him. I really wish I wouldn't have to, but part of me feels like I will. Part of me knows this is going to have to end. And I'd even say a really large part of me believes that, but I don't want to think that way just yet.

Anyways, I have work to do. Once again, the song of the night is Run by Snow Patrol. I feel like I can relate this song to my situation with Dave. I hate him. I say that all the time, but you and I know that that's not true. Not even one bit of it...