Shit.

I feel like I've always acted mature for my age. And no, that doesn't make me feel like I'm better than those in the same age group as me. I'm just saying that I'm someone who can't really have the same type of "fun" others can have. In other words, I can't see myself doing things college freshmen do.

So, my weekend started off good. We all stayed in on Friday and just hung out in the dorm, drinking. Nothing big really went on. It was just a good time to relax, have fun, and not worry about work. Mike, on the 3rd floor, was also really sweet and bought me some type of Black Pepper plant, which I obtained when I was intoxicated. We all stayed up until Maddie came back from Andrew's fraternity event, and went to bed shortly after.

Saturday night, on the other hand, was the complete opposite of good. I had a feeling the night was going to be bad. I didn't even want to drink, but decided to anyways because it was going to be the last night everyone would be able to party. It was also a night where everyone dressed classy, and popped champagne. It didn't take long before everyone was drunk. There were hookups from left to right, people falling down to the floor, etc. After many people dispersed due to some issues, i.e. people crying and RA's knocking on Nick's door, we headed upstairs. I left Maddie with Mike, while I believe I went to get water with Matt. Once I got back onto the 2nd floor, I noticed Tim crying. I checked up on him and Sihem, who was watching over him, to see if they needed anyone and then was sent back to check on Maddie. I noticed the door closed, so I knocked. No one answered. All I heard were "Shh's" and whispers. I continuously knocked, and they just pretended they weren't there. I decided then to go back to Sihem's room to tell her what had just happened. She and Lindsay then decided to head down to Mike's room themselves and knock. After a while of knocking, Mike finally opens the door, saying something along the lines of "Wtf's going on with all the knocking. We're sleeping."

Bullshit.

What does he take me for? An idiot? I heard talking, whispers, "shh's." You know what I didn't hear? Mike's snoring. So yeah, sleeping? Think of a better excuse. Anyways, why am I so pissed? I'm pissed because Mike's been trying to get with Maddie all year now. And what has Maddie responded to him with? Rejection. So for all I know, he only wants to be in the same room as her at that moment because she is drunk to the point where she'd hook up with sketchy strangers, including him. For all I know, he's taking advantage of her. So before he or anyone says "FUCK everyone who kept trying to ruin the night," fuck him for trying to take advantage of my roommate. Also, I don't care if they said nothing happened. It's obvious things did. It's just unfortunate for them that they can't allow themselves to admit to it.

On the other hand, I did ask Maddie in the morning how she felt about me knocking on the door and if she would want me to do the same the next time that happened. She just responded by saying "Do what you want to do. If you feel like it's appropriate to knock, then knock. " She basically never gave me straight answers to my questions, so I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt that she wouldn't have minded being in that same situation with him again. Therefore, I owe him an apology.

I'm actually happy this situation happened because I now know that I don't have to keep an eye on her when she's drunk. I also know that if anything does happen in the future between her and anyone else, it's not my thing to tamper in.

Anyways, I'm done with this shit. This is why I fucking hate getting into people's lives. Everytime I take initiative, people get pissed at me. This is also why my friends tend to be guys. You have to worry too much about your girl friends. They can't seem to take care of themselves. I can't wait to get away from everyone here. I need to go back to my drama-less life back home before I kill myself here.

Hi.

I just realized I haven't been blogging lately! What's happening to me?! Actually, it's not that bad. It has only been about three days.

But it's not completely my fault. I've just been trying to study for my Soc exam, which was at 10:30am today. I think I did fine. It wasn't insanely hard. Also, as you may have assumed, classes are over. They ended on Tuesday, which means that after my last two finals next Tuesday, I'll be moving back home. I'll probably be back in Boston by Wednesday night.

I'm going to miss UMass so much over the summer. I'm not going to have a hill or vast amounts of open green fields anymore. I'm not going to be able to hang out with friends right outside the dorm or right outside my room, even. Everything's starting to hit me now, and I can really see that college is an experience - a great one. People definitely need to take advantage of living away from home in a completely new environment. It's so worth it.

Anyways, I spoke with my English teacher, Lauren, for my final (which is just a 15 minute English conference), and she said I should continue writing. Apparently, I have a sense of humor when I write. It's weird because I never noticed it until this class. She also recommended two English classes for me to take in the future and to apply to Commonwealth Honors College, which is something I'm very much interested in. I really want to up my game. I feel like I need to continue challenging myself, forcing me to spend my time wisely, and take my education more seriously. It feels good when I challenge myself. Along with that, she said she'd recommend me some books over the summer because I have to seriously start reading more. She's such an awesome teacher. I'm definitely going to try to keep in touch with her. She's really given me a lot more confidence in my writing. Maybe I'll even minor in English. I've wanted to for some time now.

Anyways, I'm going to take a nap. I really need one. Today is my relaxing day. I want to party, but there probably isn't much going on later. Maybe some people will be celebrating Thirsty Thursday? Maybe? Yes? Let's just hope so. Ciao!

Oh, Gym.

Running and going to the gym was much needed yesterday. I ran around campus, which is a little over two miles, went back to the gym, biked for fifteen minutes, used the leg press and the leg adductor, and then ran two rounds around the gym's indoor track to end my workout. It was insane how much I sweat. My towel was entirely moist by the time I finished. It also wasn't just my face that was dripping with sweat, but my arms too! Sweat was coming out of the pores on my arm! Maybe I just haven't worked out that hard in a really long time, but I'm sure I've done that same workout before. It might've also been the temperature in the gym that added to all my sweating.

Anyways, I felt so calm and relaxed after that workout. I swear, nothing would've bothered or irritated me after that - not even a bug landing on me. Because of that experience yesterday, I was reminded of why I wanted to become a KIN major, or a masseuse even - to help people relax (through working out and becoming a healthier person). At least, that's what I hope majoring in Kinesiology will help me do.

On another note, classes are almost over. I only have two more to attend to - Anthro, which is tonight, and Oceanography, which is tomorrow. Then, I have a final on Thursday, which means I'll be studying my ass off tonight and for the next two days.

I told my mom about moving out and she said she'd try and get me either Tuesday night, or sometime Wednesday, hopefully. I'm excited to go home. I'm definitely going to miss Van Meter and everyone here, but that disagreement with Maddie just made everything weird. I think it was mainly the way she responded to it that night and morning. I mean, we're basically okay now, but the experience just threw me off. I am, however, excited to hang out with Thomas, Paul, my cousin, and others too. It's been so long since I've seen them. I'm also excited to work. Hoepfully I'll find an artsy job, one at UrbanOutfitters or another retail shop. I've been searching on Craigslist and found one that specialized in typography, which I'd kill to work for even though I wouldn't get paid. I just want the experience, and credit, if anything. I also want to read a lot this vacation. I've probably said that before, but yes, I still do.

I'm excited for the nice weather. It's sunny once again. It rained a bit earlier, but it shouldn't anymore. I'm going to head out for dinner now. I'm hungry, and it's really cold in the library. Anyways, ciao! Je t'aime beaucoup.

Issues.

There are times when I feel so unwanted. I've realized that that's the reason why I find comfort in guys. That's why I have urges to call them, talk to them, be with them. I know it's wrong. I'm basically using them. It's a bad habit - one that I'm now trying to break.

Last night, something happened between Maddie and I, although it really wasn't a big thing, I guess she took it more heavily than me.

So, we were outside because she and Sihem wanted to play basketball. Shaina was with us. After playing, we were about to head back into the dorm, when Maddie and Sihem decided to pee on the hill - which they did.

Honestly, I wouldn't have been against it if they peed on the other little hill, but they just had to pee at the area where we previously walked on. It's also a heavily utilized part of the hill, which means other people will most likely walk on their pee. I don't know how you feel about that, but I just thought it was extremely inconsiderate, especially when the bathroom was right inside of the dorm.

Needless to say, after coming back into the dorm, I was no longer in the mood to drink. And knowing me, I only drink when I'm in the mood. After I told Sihem and everyone else in the room that, they found the need to defend themselves that it was for just for fun, it was stupid for me to be mad at them for it, and that I shouldn't take it personally. A couple minutes after, Sihem whispered something to Maddie. They then left to Madeline and Tara's room, leaving Cheyenne and me in the room. After talking and hanging out for a while, Cheyenne goes to the bathroom, which is when everyone dashes out of Maddie and Tara's room to catch the bus for Hobart. Without even telling me, Maddie and Sihem decided to go.

After that happened, I had the biggest urge to call Nemat... I had a big feeling he'd be partying or doing something fun since (I believe) he took his MCAT that morning, but I didn't. I saw my tendencies of using men - only going to them when I needed comforting - so I didn't. I decided not to text him. With that decided, I just hung out with Cheyenne, played some frisbee, and chilled with others. When Maddie and Sihem came back, I quickly realized that Maddie payed no attention to me. She'd notice and point everyone out in the room, but not me. After a while of being in Larry and Kris' room and going though that, I decided to go to bed. It wasn't doing me any good to be in her presence. I also had the huge belief that because Maddie was avoiding me, she'd end up sleeping in Sihem's room, which I was right of.

So, it is obviously Sunday today. All Maddie did was come into the room, I said "Hello," she said "Hi" back, and never spoke one word until she had to use her dryer, which she asked if it would be okay for her to use. And when people knocked on the door, she enthusiastically welcomed them and everything. Yep. So I guess that's what she does when she's mad at people.

I decided not to go to breakfast because I have to run and blow off all these emotions. It's been so long since I've ran because of my stubbed toe. This is so much needed at the moment. I'm making this a day for myself... I'll catch you later. <3

6 Hours.

I've been sleeping at around 3am all week, and every time I count the hours of sleep I'd be getting, I end up with the number six. For some reason, that number always seemed to be a decent amount. Now that I think about it, I don't feel that way anymore. Six hours of sleep is really little.

I don't know what's been going on in my mind all week. I've just been camping out at the library - going right after class, leaving only for dinner, and going right back to the library until the AM. I've basically been living here all week. The only thing I've really done back at my dorm is sleep. I've only given myself Thursday off all week. I've also skipped three classes, which is bizarre of me, seeing as I haven't skipped a single class all semester. It was however, partially because of my stubbed toe, which was too painful to walk on Monday morning, and a hastle to deal with on Tuesday. For those reasons, I skipped my Sociology class on Monday, and my Oceanography class on Tuesday. The third class I skipped was, once again, Oceanography, meaning I haven't gone to that class all week. I just find it pointless to go seeing as I've done the intended number of worksheets in class, and all the lecture notes are online. I will, however, go to the last class next tuesday.

Anyways, I'm at the library with Molly and she's now ready to go, which means I am too. My stubbed toe is practically healed, and I can't wait to sleep. Update you later. Time to troop back. Goodnight!

By the way, I'm sick and will hopefully recover in time to enjoy the nice weather. It's going to be in the 70's and 80's this weekend. I'm stoked.

Step 1

I just got off the phone with Trinh. She told me she talked to Dave and that he said his feelings for me just aren't strong enough to risk our friendship. She also told me he wasn't looking for something serious at the moment and doesn't want to fool around with me and hurt me.

I don't really know what to think at the moment. I'm still trying to register all this information and come to a place where I can finally say for sure that he doesn't like me so that I can move on. It's hard because I'm making up all these possibilities and excuses as to why he might not have made a move yet. In my mind, I feel like he hasn't done anything because he feels like we might actually have potential, not because his feelings aren't strong enough. I mean, he does walk me to places, hug me hello and goodbye, and kiss me on the cheek. I can't really name anyone else he does that to, nor have I heard of him doing that to anyone. I understand the fooling around part and everything, but the whole "strong feelings" thing is hard to believe. It seems as though he looks at us as either being friends 'til the end, or being in a relationship and nothing more if that ends. I know I don't know much about him, but maybe that's what all his past relationships were. Maybe they were all quick - in the sense that he had met the girl not too long ago before they got together, and when they broke up, they wouldn't talk anymore. Maybe that's why he never really thought twice about going out with someone before; there wasn't another part of them he could lose - the friendship part. I mean, we have known one another for a really long time. It's just weird thinking of it that way because I wouldn't consider us to be close friends. We don't hang out with one another often, or really at all.

The only thing that really has the potential to help me move on is the fact that he ended up talking about other girls when he was talking to Trinh. She made it seem like he was saying complete bullshit when he talked about not wanting to hurt me. It almost helps me believe that he has no interest in me.

I don't know... Am I being completely delirious? Should I declare myself clinically insane yet? Or are my thoughts actually logical?

I asked Trinh if I should still talk to him about this once I get back. She said she doesn't think it would be worth it seeing as he'd probably go in circles by saying he wouldn't want to risk hurting me, and that I would probably end up even more heart broken. But part of me feels like I need to hear that. Part of me feels like I need to hurt. I need to hurt a lot more. I feel like I need to hit rock bottom so that I can pick myself up from there and rebuild anew.

When I get over him, I don't want to look back...

I

am a confused and naive.

There are many times when I find myself not knowing what to do, how to act, or most importantly, how to feel when I'm with a guy. It's what holds me back all the time. I think about things too much - whether doing something is wrong or right. Even giving a simple kiss makes me question myself. Am I being irrational? Does anyone else feel the need to think about things like this - especially if you're not in a relationship? Or am I right for doing this? Is college just brainwashing me to think I'm the weird one?

I've also come up with another reason as to why this might be happening to me. I think I've forgotten how to like. 

You know what? I don't even know what I'm saying or thinking right now. As said in the first line of this post, I'm confused and naive. I also think my 12 hours of sleep is messing with my mind. With that said, I'm going to try and get some work done. I have about three papers to write. I'll catch you when I'm more myself.

By the way, here's to sum up my weekend:
Roommate-less, no Jonathan, no Cindy, Mike, Mario Party(?), Star Wars I, not so much Star Wars II, sleep, Mike, Mike, confused, Mike and friends, breakfast, frisbee, town, purple hair dye, dinner, improv, shower, drunk Tim, drunk people, Kevin, sleep, today.

And speaking of purple hair dye, I think I might be dying the bottom of my hair purple. Dark purple, though. I don't plan on bleaching it. Anyways, adios.