Issues.

There are times when I feel so unwanted. I've realized that that's the reason why I find comfort in guys. That's why I have urges to call them, talk to them, be with them. I know it's wrong. I'm basically using them. It's a bad habit - one that I'm now trying to break.

Last night, something happened between Maddie and I, although it really wasn't a big thing, I guess she took it more heavily than me.

So, we were outside because she and Sihem wanted to play basketball. Shaina was with us. After playing, we were about to head back into the dorm, when Maddie and Sihem decided to pee on the hill - which they did.

Honestly, I wouldn't have been against it if they peed on the other little hill, but they just had to pee at the area where we previously walked on. It's also a heavily utilized part of the hill, which means other people will most likely walk on their pee. I don't know how you feel about that, but I just thought it was extremely inconsiderate, especially when the bathroom was right inside of the dorm.

Needless to say, after coming back into the dorm, I was no longer in the mood to drink. And knowing me, I only drink when I'm in the mood. After I told Sihem and everyone else in the room that, they found the need to defend themselves that it was for just for fun, it was stupid for me to be mad at them for it, and that I shouldn't take it personally. A couple minutes after, Sihem whispered something to Maddie. They then left to Madeline and Tara's room, leaving Cheyenne and me in the room. After talking and hanging out for a while, Cheyenne goes to the bathroom, which is when everyone dashes out of Maddie and Tara's room to catch the bus for Hobart. Without even telling me, Maddie and Sihem decided to go.

After that happened, I had the biggest urge to call Nemat... I had a big feeling he'd be partying or doing something fun since (I believe) he took his MCAT that morning, but I didn't. I saw my tendencies of using men - only going to them when I needed comforting - so I didn't. I decided not to text him. With that decided, I just hung out with Cheyenne, played some frisbee, and chilled with others. When Maddie and Sihem came back, I quickly realized that Maddie payed no attention to me. She'd notice and point everyone out in the room, but not me. After a while of being in Larry and Kris' room and going though that, I decided to go to bed. It wasn't doing me any good to be in her presence. I also had the huge belief that because Maddie was avoiding me, she'd end up sleeping in Sihem's room, which I was right of.

So, it is obviously Sunday today. All Maddie did was come into the room, I said "Hello," she said "Hi" back, and never spoke one word until she had to use her dryer, which she asked if it would be okay for her to use. And when people knocked on the door, she enthusiastically welcomed them and everything. Yep. So I guess that's what she does when she's mad at people.

I decided not to go to breakfast because I have to run and blow off all these emotions. It's been so long since I've ran because of my stubbed toe. This is so much needed at the moment. I'm making this a day for myself... I'll catch you later. <3