Run.

I've been running/jogging so much these past few weeks - everyday practically. It's only because of all the bottled up emotions I have, though. So I guess it's not that bad that I've been stressed. I just try to take all the negativity in life and transform it into something good - something that would make me a better person. I think that's so important in life, to find a healthy outlet, and I strongly believe that exercise helps. It's similar to punching someone or something, except exercise doesn't require harming another person.

Believing so strongly in this makes me want to become a merge between a therapist, someone who focuses on Kinesiology, or muscle movement, and possibly a nutritionist. Who knows? Maybe I'll create my own major in BDIC. :)

Today's song is different. It's upbeat! But sorry if it's somewhat mainstream.

Neon Trees
Habits
Animal

Under the Bus.

I don't understand what happened with us. We were so good. What changed? It makes me wonder if you were ever sincere - if you ever had feelings for me. I question if this was just a ploy to get back at me, but at the same time, I can't see you as being such a guy. It's because of the way you're handling this situation that makes me think differently. I had so much respect for you but it's diminishing so quickly. Who am I in your eyes anyways? The last I remember, I was your girlfriend. But how can I be your girlfriend when you don't even talk to me? Our relationship has become such a one-way street. What happen to wanting to see me, wanting to talk to me, or just wanting to communicate with me in any way, shape, or form? I used to be something to you. It was either that, or you fooled me into believing so. Now, I'm quite sure I'm nobody. I don't even cross your mind, and I haven't for a while now. I guess I've just been an idiot for holding onto you and believing in us. I thought you a better person, but you proved me wrong. And shame on me for still believing, but I really hope you redeem yourself...

Once again,

The Bravery
The Sun and the Moon
This Is Not the End 

Facebook.

There are good things about it as well as bad things. Sadly, the bad has overruled, which is why I've chosen to deactivate it. I guess I just don't want to concern myself with some things anymore... and facebook was holding me back from doing so. I'll elaborate tomorrow... I've been in such a shitty mood today that I don't want to write about it, let alone think about it.

However, this song couldn't say it any better:

Trapt
Someone in Control
Disconnected

There's something about pie.

I hate pie, yet I find myself eating it all the time. It's not because it tastes completely gross or anything... Something about it just repulses me. Call me a health freak, but I think it's all the carbohydrates it's composed of. I feel like I have to run miles just to make me stop feeling like I've become the pie myself. It's also overly sweet and flaky. Thinking about it just grosses me out all over again! Hah. Oh, why did I eat that slice?

My Birthday.

I didn't realize this until an hour ago, but I dread this day so much. I go about all odds just to avoid it. Heck, I even try to forget it. And honestly, sometimes I do. Of course, that only lasts until I think of how someone might wish me a "Happy Birthday" or how much I dread not wanting to hear that comment.

To be honest, it's not because I dread the thought of getting old or anything like that. I guess it's because I'm afraid people will forget my birthday, or not give a crap about it. I mean, as a child, I always wished for a birthday party of some sort. You know, the ones you see in movies and television shows where you can invite your friends and have a birthday cake, or at the very least, a birthday hat. I don't know. Maybe I just wanted too much. But wanting too much or not, I just dread my birthday. People make too big of a scene out of birthdays, yet nothing exciting really ever happens. Don't mind me though. I'm just a huge pessimist when it comes to this day.

Day off.

I think I've already given up on writing these letters. Hah.

Anyways, not much has been happening. Today is my first day off since I've started working and honestly, I think I'd rather have worked instead. I just feel like I'm wasting time at home. I rarely watch my French lessons anymore, which is bad... I know. And even though I borrowed "Angels & Demons" from the library, I'm currently in no mood to read it! I think it's because of the beautiful weather though. It was supposed to rain today, but instead, the sun's out. Oh well, I guess I can use this day to give my body a rest... or maybe, I'll go out for a jog. Ciao!

Day 3 — Your parents

Dear Mom and Dad,

I know it may not seem like I appreciate you at times, but I hope you both know that I do - a lot. I appreciate every second you both work just to provide for Kevin and I. Not to mention, they're not the jobs you both prefer to do. I look up to you both for that because even after years of doing the same thing, you never complain. I appreciate every meal that's put on the table and every time you've woken me after oversleeping. I appreciate all the clothing you've helped me hem and all the things you've bought for me. I appreciate the memories and the times you've dragged yourself out just so I could play at the park. I appreciate how giving the both of you are because every penny that is made goes towards Kevin and I, while you never purchase a thing for yourselves. I am also thankful you trust me to go places at all hours of day, as well as allowing me to follow my dreams and goals wherever they may lead me to.

There are just so many things you both do that I am thankful for. I don't know of any other human beings more providing than the two of you. Words can't describe what you both do for Kevin and I, nor how appreciative I am. I know I never say this, but I love you two. I really do.

Cirque Du Soleil.

It's only been day one on the job, yet I'm already exhausted. I don't think it's necessarily the job that's making me so tired though. I don't think it's that at all. I think it's the combination of all my emotions and working out the day before. No complaining though! I'm 100% happy I got this job, and I'm also 100% happy I worked out (and will hopefully continue doing so).

Anyways, I got my schedule for the week and I get to work tomorrow! It's a private show for press only, so that's exciting. I also work the day after that, which is the first show open to the public, as well as the day after that, Friday. So far, I only have Saturday off, with the possibility of Sunday (if everyone scheduled to work shows up, that is). I don't know though... I wouldn't mind working everyday. I have nothing better to do anyways. The only thing I would mind is if I don't find those comfortable black Vans to wear... That would suck - for my feet, that is.

Well, I'm just feeling really 'blah' right now. I can't even think of words to write. Ciao.

Someone.

Sometimes I just want to run... run away from everything. I feel like I need to get away in order to forget things - get far away. I guess this urgency goes to show that I'm still hurting and dwelling on the past. I don't understand why I still have these feelings. I don't understand why they're still lingering in my thoughts. I should be over this. I should be over him. I told myself this would be the summer I'd get over him or fall completely in love with him. The first doesn't seem to be happening thus far... and as for love, I'm not even sure what that is. What really sucks is that I feel like I need to hate him to get over him, or maybe cut him out of my life altogether. But what I really think I need is to just hear everything I don't want to hear directly from him. I think my problem is simply that I haven't hit rock bottom just yet... And because of that, I can't rebuild myself anew.

The only thing really keeping me going is that I constantly tell myself to become someone better than anyone he could get - someone he'd wish he had.

William Fitzsimmons
The Sparrow and The Crow
You Still Hurt Me

Day 2 — Your crush

Dear Crush,

Oh wait, I don't have one.

Sincerely,
Lauren

---

On another note, it's been two days. I wonder if he notices. Better yet, I wonder if he thinks of me... or even cares. Seems like history is just repeating itself.

Jon Palmer & The New Complainers
Radio [EP]
Brollo

Day 1 — Your best friend(s)

Dear Best friends,
     I cannot begin to find the words to explain how much I appreciate the both of you. You two are amazing.

Thomas, I never thought we'd be as close as we are now. From the second I met you, I have to admit you were someone I wanted to be friends with. But then again, that thought did only last one second. After witnessing the crazy, energetic side of you, I wanted nothing to do with you. You were just too wild for me! It was thanks to our similar taste in music and bipolar selves that brought us together. What would we do without them both? ...Probably fall into a lonely, lonely depression. I'd like to thank you for being my go-to-guy, especially for my weird, awkward, and crazy spiels. Because, you know, you are weird, awkward, and crazy. But I thank you for that because you make me feel less of that myself.

Paul, what can't we do or talk about with one another? I don't remember exactly how we became so close, but it seems like our friendship happened so effortlessly. I hope I don't sound like too much of a man when I say this, but we're so alike! We work out together, play games together, eat together, talk about everyday life with one another, everything. Heck, I'd probably even wipe your butt for you if you couldn't do so yourself. Gross, I know. But hey, if I wouldn't, who would? Yes, I guess you are that worthy of a friend. And although you aren't weird and crazy in a Thomas way, you're dorky in a scientific way. I appreciate that dorky/quirkiness because it allows us to have many interesting intellectual and scientific conversations. They're well needed sometimes. Thanks.

To the both of you, thank you for putting up with me. Seriously. I know I can be a huge pain in the butt, yet you both choose to stick with me. Thank you for sharing and taking me along with you on your wonderful journeys in life. Thank you for always lending me your ears and taking time out of your busy lives to hang out with me and keep me sane. And most of all, thank you both for just being there and being yourselves. I could not ask for any greater friends than the both of you.

Love,
Lauren

The 30 Day Letter Challenge

So... I've been slacking with my French lessons for about 3 days now due to the fact that I've been going out. I promised myself I'd get back to them once work starts, but for now, more procrastinating! Don't hate me for this, but I stumbled upon this challenge a while back and finally decided to do it. I think it will be interesting. I hope you'll think so too.

Write a letter to these people:
Day 1 — Your best friend
Day 2 — Your crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to
Day 11 — A deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you've drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Oh, and as for work, I got the job as an usher at Cirque Du Soleil! Training is on Tuesday!

Expectations.

I don't know what to expect from the men I date. I never have. And not only do I not know what to expect, but I'm not sure what I'm allowed to ask for...

Should he be the one coming up with plans for our first few dates? Should he be paying? Is he supposed to call me after our first date, or should he not for an entire 24 hours to show that he isn't already obsessed with me? Also, after all those dates and we're finally settled into something more like a relationship, how often should he call? Do I have the right to expect somewhat frequent I-miss-you texts or other signs of endearment? Is he supposed to want to see me quite frequently or at the very least, make an effort to see me at least once or twice a week? Or is he supposed to willingly choose spending time with me over his other plans? And about gifts, do I have the right to expect flowers and a gift on birthday's, other holidays, or even randomly?

I guess I just don't know what is expecting too much, and what is expecting too little. However, I do feel like I'm expecting too little at the moment and not getting nearly enough of anything. It makes me feel like I should be more demanding. But then again, how much is too demanding and how little is too little? What should I expect?

I'm so bad at relationships... Any feedback would be nice.

And once again, The Bravery:

The Bravery
The Sun and the Moon
The Ocean

The In Betweens.

Have you ever looked at your past family photos only to realize they were all taken from your childhood years ago? Or at the very least, witnessed that?

I was catching up on a television series a few nights ago, and it made me question: When do we stop taking those pictures? Why? Why do we have hundreds of photos of us when we were young, and then maybe a dozen more of us when we are older? What happens to all those years in between? It almost seems as if families forget what having fun is all about. Well, I'm sure families still have fun, but what ever happen to "We're having so much fun, we should document this?"

I don't know what changes, but I know I consistently want to take photos with my family, especially since we never do. The earliest photo I have with them (excluding those taken from large family events) don't even include my dad and brother - just my mom. I believe it was back when I was in 5th grade. My mom just wanted to take a walk along the beach. It was a really cloudy and windy day. Not the greatest weather, but definitely a day I can remember...

Sacrifice.

I'm beginning to learn the importance of looking past little things because I know the big picture is what really counts.

On another note, my neighbors whom I've known all my life have been getting into severe arguments for the past two days or so. They (mother and son) have actually been having arguments for years now, but with every year that passes by, those arguments always seem to get worse. It worries me a lot. I'm afraid one of them are going to do something really bad... and I don't know what to do. But I feel like I should do something...

Here's my song today from a new favorite band:

The Bravery
The Sun and the Moon
This Is Not the End 

Je suis apprendre le francais.

For the past couple days, I've been making an attempt to learn French. I stumbled upon this instructional series called "French in Action" which was made for those interested in learning French to do so. It's really awesome seeing as it doesn't cost me a dime, and it already seems to be more effective than my French class in 8th grade. I have to warn you that it's a bit corny and very PBS, because it was made to air there, but it's definitely worth trying out if you're interested in learning.

I've been watching an episode everyday so far and replaying them an additional time or two just to make sure I get the gist of them before going onto the next. They're really helpful not only for learning French, but understanding French culture. I have to admit it's already getting a bit tough due to the grammar, but I'm sure it'll be completely worth it in the end. Hopefully these videos will give me an upper hand in my future French class, and possibly help me if and when I study abroad. The thought of going abroad just motivates me even more. Maybe I'll even major/minor in French! That would be exciting.

Anyways, I have to get out of the house and keep myself busy in order to counteract my bipolar tendencies. Off to Borders I go! I think I might just purchase Angels & Demons, or read it there. I've missed Langdon. A tout a l'heure, mon ami!

Sometimes...

I need to keep my thoughts to myself. Life would be much easier.

Bipolar.

As Thomas has said for years now, I am so bipolar! Haha.

One minute I'm completely confident about my relationship with Dustin, and the next I'm not. I have no reason to be either! It's just my dumb thoughts that take over me. I really have to learn how to control them, or not think about things that way. I have to teach myself to focus on reality and not what might happen or could happen due to my past. ...Because I know everything between Dustin and I feels so right at the moment. There shouldn't be anything that makes me feel any different.

I think I just miss him a wee bit... and maybe I just want to see him a little too much.

No, I'm the Boss.

Boy, do I get defensive!

My 4th of July was spent over Henry's house with Paul and Tien, playing board games. It was so much fun. We played Scrabble and I'm the Boss. Scrabble is just one of my many favorite past times, and I'm the Boss was just a new one that's growing to be one of my favorites. It's a game filled with negotiation, bribes, and just all types of dirty bargaining. It was loud, gruesome, and torturous. Surprisingly I won in both games, while poor Paul was the one whom was always ganged up on. The game was so intense we even missed the fireworks because of it. But I'm fine with that because the game was just that good.

Anyways, that was my 4th. I can't believe I've been on vacation for almost two months now. I only have another two left... Time's going by way too fast.

Life is good.

Is it bad to say that I had more fun after coming back from New York than I had there, visiting family? I mean, I had a good time there for the most part, but so much has changed since the last time I visited that it doesn't feel right anymore. It actually worries me how much has changed and brings to me more sadness and desperation than joy. After realizing that, I pushed myself to leave as soon as possible - that being right after I saw my grandmother.

Coming back home felt like the longest ride ever. All I could think about was how things were like three, four years ago. I wanted people to be happy again. I miss the innocence embodied by the young. I miss the connection I had with everyone. They all feel so distant now. And to think, this all happened within four days...

All in all, I'm glad I visited, and I'm glad I'm back home. I got to see Dustin the next night and hang out with him for a full 24 hours. Everything's been going so well between us and I love the pace we're moving at. It's steady, effortless, and simply great. He's so endearing. I love how he's continuously surprised me and proved me wrong so many times already. Je l'adore.

P.S. Sorry for all the French. I'm just trying to squeeze some sayings in every so often so I can learn them. :)