Weekends.

I hate constantly talking about him! I feel like I always get like this when I'm into a guy. They're all I think about and talk about. It's bad. Anyways, last night, after Raf and Nick came back from Southwest and the Pita Pit, a bunch of us went into their room and hung out for a bit. After everyone had left, Raf gave me a hug and plopped me onto the couch on top of Nick. Honestly, it was nice seeing as he held me and all. We were basically in that position for the remainder of the night. There were a couple times when our fingers intertwined, giving me a bit of hope, but not enough... After Showgirl's ended (a movie about a bunch of strippers? What else do you expect when Raf's watching TV at night?), he hopped into bed and patted it as if to signal me to jump in with him. We snuggled for a bit until he really decided to sleep. It's been two nights in a row that he asked if I was planning on sleeping with him, or if I were going to go back upstairs. I said upstairs both times. It's not because I didn't want to sleep with him, but because I'm sick. Sigh. It's only on weekends when he exhibits these types of emotions.

So my question is... do guys offer girls to sleep in the same bed with them if they don't like them in a girlfriend way?  Do they cuddle with girls who they consider 'friends'? I don't know if this is weird or not, but do they hug the legs of a girl they don't like? What does it mean if they rest their head on a girls lap when lying on the ground? Do guys do any of this when they don't like a girl? or are they interested?

Also, in contrast to those questions, I felt as if he didn't want to really 'hold' my hand at times. I don't know what this necessarily means. His hands were on top of mine and whatnot, but they weren't completely intertwined. Would a guy who liked a girl make more distinct moves? He just mind boggles me. Maybe it's because I'm not obvious with my feelings or he feels as if this is just how I act around him and Raf, but I think I'm pretty clear... Should I articulate this in words to him?

Anyways, for his Theater class, he has to watch Spring Awakening on Wednesday night and he asked me to go with him. It wasn't said in a way that hinted feelings or anything, but I think it would be nice if I went with him. I believe that's the production Maddie told me to go with her to anyways. Her step sister's in it. But yeah... I think I just might. We'll see what happens.

By the way, I think I caught a fever. Greaaat.

Uncertainty.

Broken down and hungry for your love
With no way to feed it
Where are you tonight?
Child, you know how much I need it.
Too young to hold on
And too old to just break free and run.
Jeff Buckley - Lover, You Should've Come Over

These lyrics summarize my feelings at the moment.

I hung out with Nick and the others last night. I found out a couple more things about him. One that suck out the most was the fact that he really doesn't care about sex if he finds the girl he loves. Raf, on the other hand, disagrees. This is what separates him from other guys. It just reinforces my feelings for him even more. I love knowing he's a great guy, but at the same time I hate it. I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve at the moment, with no certainty that he has any feelings for me whatsoever... and it's scary. I don't think I've ever felt this way or done this with any guy before. I've never been so unsure someones feelings. I'm afraid I'm beginning to fall too head over heels for him. He's going to end up being one of those guys I might never get over. I guess this uncertainty is building up due to the fact that he hasn't made a direct move.

Am I supposed to continue telling myself there's so much time ahead of us? That our friendship has just began and I should get to know him better? What if he finds another girl or doesn't even remotely like me? What am I supposed to do? I can't change his feelings towards me. It's just hard thinking he may like someone else...

I feel like I'm afraid of this thing called 'fate'. I don't want to let it declare my future... but is this even something I can alter?

Blogging on a whim.

Ocne again, I'm at the library. The only thing different this time is that I'm planning to - once and for all - go to my professor's office hours! I believe this will be my first time doing this. I'm planning to visit my Oceanography professor to review my previous exam. Sadly, I didn't do as good as I thought I did. I got 17 out of 22 correct. Mind you, there were two questions that were confusingly worded. I ended up reading them incorrectly and getting them wrong. Luckily, exams are graded through this "pyramid" way, making my final grade for that exam an 80.

On another note, I've finally been getting tired. I can't wait to go back to my room and nap. I am, however, planning to be productive today by studying for my second Oceanography exam next Tuesday, and maybe a bit for my Sociology exam the following Monday. I think coming to the library has given me a certain mentality to work. It makes me want to write papers and study. I think it's the fact that no one is around to bother me, or talk to me. It's nice, especially when you're trying to get work done. However, one thing I do dislike is the lack of privacy here. Even though people can't clearly see what's on your computer screen, the feeling of possibly being "watched" makes everything a bit uncomfortable.

Anyways, that's just a little short post for the day. The weather over here is gloomy, but for some reason, I really like it. The temperature is cool and comfortable, and the air is refreshing. It's interesting being able to observe the differences between a city and town during these rainy/snowy days. I'd say the main difference are the large puddles and rushing water here. Walkways also transform into rivers.

Well, it's time for me to get some work done and visit my professor. 'Til next time, lovelies. J'ai t'aime.

Snow Day Ritual

Wearing PJ's inside out and putting a spoon under your pillow.

Nick joined me for last night's snow day ritual. It was both his and my first time doing that and luckily, it worked! Campus was closed until 5:30PM today. It was really fun. I felt like a little kid again.

I finally figured out why I keep feeling as if he doesn't like me. It's because he doesn't show affection all the time. I mean, there are certain times when he does, but other times he just acts like a friend. Maybe Maddie's right. Maybe he's not aware of my feelings towards him. Maybe he thinks I'm flirty with both him and Raf because that's just the type of relationship I have with them. At the same time, I feel like he should know and maybe he does. If that's the case, then maybe he actually doesn't like me. It's hard to tell. I just feel this way because he doesn't take initiation during some situations. All I keep thinking about are the nights we cuddled. I sound like such a loser.

It really sucks because these thoughts make me want to stop trying...

(Grateful Dead) Update

I realized that I never talked about the Grateful Dead concert! It was amazing. I had such a blast. It's been a while since I've gone to a concert and it made me realize that I've missed that type of atmosphere. I love the energy and the fact that everyone there shares similar interests. Even though I knew nothing about the Dead, I felt that vibe. It was nice. The funny thing about it was that the majority of the audience was made up of "hippies" and older people who smoked tons of weed and cigarettes. It's unusual to see so many adults partaking in this activity.

Going to this concert made me remember how much love people have towards music, especially if it is for a band that is, so infact, loved. Being there made me wish to be at a Death Cab concert. I'd kill to go to one. I've actually added it to my 'list of things to do before I die' - which isn't all that long because I just started it at that moment. The sad part is that they haven't been touring; not around the U.S. at least. According to their myspace, they've only been playing in certain areas.

Anyways, I'm at the library once again. I don't have much work to do - just a draft due Wednesday - but I want to get it over with so I don't have to rush tomorrow. It'll also be nice to do things at my own pace as well. In addition to that, I'm finally tired. It's not too bad though. I'm not tired to the point where I'll fall asleep in a class. I'm just tired to the point that once I put my head on a pillow, I'll pass out.

Well, I'm going to get my essay started now, or at least read for biology. Today's going to be a long day seeing as I have my 6:30 Anthro class. It'll be fun though. I'm excited. We're having a guest lecture. The artist whose work (Swallowed) is showing at the Hampden Gallery is coming for a talk. This will be interesting. A tout a l'heure!

Shots.

I had an amazing weekend. I hung out with Maddie all day yesterday. The longest time we were apart was when I took my shower.

Right when I came back from my shower, I was told to get dressed in five minutes because we were going to a party, and what an amazing party it was. As you may know, I'm not much of a party person but this was the best party I've ever been to. The people there were chill and friendly, one of the owners I met were extremely welcoming, and the atmosphere was just great. I talked to a lot of people, which also isn't something I'd usually do.

To make my night short, I had such a great time that I actually thought about taking the shot the owner of the house offered to me. (I believe his name is Namar.) Anyways, I declined at the moment because first, no one I really knew was with me at the moment, and second, I wasn't completely sure about it. What that situation has made me realize is that the reason I haven't drank yet is because I'm looking for that moment. That moment being one when I'm really having a good time and feel comfortable drunk or sober. That party was actually it. I don't think I would have regret having taking that shot, but at the same time, I don't regret not taking it. I'm sure there will be other times to come, and if I just so happen to be having a great time once again, I might just take that shot. I also think the owner played a role in it. Seeing as he was chill and hospitable reassured me that any decision I made wouldn't be a bad one. He just gave off a good vibe and had no bad intentions in him. His house was also extremely clean seeing has it is one that hosts parties.

Anyways, we left the party at around 3AM and walked back to the dorm. Surprisingly, the house was really close to Van Mater. It was a nice walk since it wasn't cold out. When we got back, a couple of us ordered food and Maddie and I decided to go downstairs to eat it. We met this guy named Chris who was a friend of a friend's and was locked out of the room. Sadly, he really wanted to sleep and was getting emotional because of the lack of it. All of a sudden, Maddie offers him our floor to sleep on and he surprisingly takes the offer. Once we walked up to our floor, we visited Tim's room and Chris ended up getting harassed by Mike, Alec, and others about being gay (whom really isn't). I'm guessing they just wanted to mess with someone. They ended up playing around with him until 5AM. I felt really bad so I offered him my bed and I slept with Maddie. Anyways, we ended up going to sleep and waking up with him gone.

Now I have to finish this post because I need to cut Matt's hair! He's allowing me to cut it shorter, or basically give him a buzz cut, and he doesn't mind if I mess up. Time to get this show on the road. Adios lovers!

Unusual Sleeps.

I haven't been very tired lately. There's something wrong with me. Since Thursday night, I haven't had the urge to sleep. It was around 4AM when I decided to sleep that night, and I only arrived at that decision because Maddie was sleeping. I, on the other hand, had no tired bone in me. I was awake as I would be on a perfect sunny day. That morning, I had to wake up at 8AM, which meant I only got 4 hours of sleep (at most), but it didn't matter to me because I had energy throughout the day. I even forced myself to take a nap which only lasted an hour when I wasn't tired. If you know me my naps usually last for about two hours, yet this time I woke up by myself after just one.

Last night, I wasn't tired as well. A couple of us stayed in my room until 4:30AM talking. Maddie and Nick were the first ones to start falling asleep, leading Matt to go to bed. Nick, after going downstairs, realized that he had locked himself out and returned. He ended up sleeping with me. I had such a hard time sleeping and it wasn't because he was in the bed. I couldn't really fall asleep until 6AM. After two hours, I woke up feeling perfectly fine. Nick was somewhat awake too. He had to leave at around 9AM because his mom came to pick him up for the weekend. After he left, I decided that I should try and get some sleep. I slept for about four hours and woke up to Sihem's knock at 1PM. It was finally then when I realized I was somewhat tired. Maddie and I decided not to get breakfast with them. Instead, we just talked about my sleep with Nick and whether or not I liked him. So since I told her I did, I can finally tell you (if you haven't figured out already) that the guy I've been talking about all this time is Nick. Yep. So the secret's out. Actually I wasn't as much hiding it as I was holding it back.

Anyways, I don't think my posts have been making much sense. I feel like I've been rambling a lot and writing when there's lots of people in the room. Blah. I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. I'm going to go brush my teeth for breakfast now. Talk to you later, loves.

My Escape.

I just got out of the shower and went up to my room. With no surprise, there were people there. It's not that I don't like people being in my room - I love it. My only issue is the people who go to my room to converse when they know others are studying in there. Sometimes, it's okay seeing as they come to ask a simple question, but it does become a pain when a full fledged conversation occurs. That is why I've found an escape - Nick and Raf's room! I love these two guys. They're amazing. They basically look at me as a third roommate. I adore them incredibly. I actually did my English homework in their room (the homework being talked about in my previous post) while Maddie and Shoko were upstairs in my room with others. They also have wireless internet in here, so it's a plus. Along with that, they watch the awesome Sci-Fi channel and National Geographic shows, and play COD, which I am growing a pretty big liking too. I'm awful at the game - getting worse actually - but I enjoy it nonetheless. I'm planning to draw or paint Raf and Nick something to show my appreciation and love to them. :)

On another note, Maddie's mom bought her four Grateful Dead tickets for tomorrows concert at the Mullins Center and she invited me! Although I don't know anything about them, I do appreciate and look forward to the concert. It'll be a nice start to the weekend seeing as I have a bio exam tomorrow, which I am fretting. With that said, it's time for me to study... and watch Fight Science. Love ya lots!

Consider the Lobster!!!

I just read this essay in my English book and had to write about it. The funny thing is that I can completely relate to this essay. It's basically about people eating lobster and never, or rarely thinking twice about how it was made or whether or not the lobster had suffered any pain. This essay basically created awareness of animal rights.

For as long as I can remember, I had always thought about whether or not it was right to kill animals. Throughout my childhood, I had watched the killing of many chickens in a chicken coop in Chinatown. The chirping, screaming, and plucking of chickens was never an appetizing noise. After witnessing that as well as the deaths of many other living organisms, I've come to realize that I do not have the audacity to harm or kill a living thing. Therefore, I'll probably become a vegetarian when I get older unless my spouse cooks for me.

Anyways, I have a biology exam tomorrow and I have to study for that. I just finished my English homework, which was reading that. Now it's time for a shower. Adios!

Monday, Tuesday, Today.

Time has passed by so quickly yet so slowly. Again, I went a day without blogging. I swore I had blogged! Grr.

Anyways... on Monday, everyone came back to UMass. Raf brought back with him a couple friends and I got to hang out with them for a bit more than a day. They left early in the morning today, so I didn't get much of a chance to say goodbye. All in all, they were incredibly nice. You can tell they have a good choice in friends. Their friends were both mature in a sense that they wouldn't destroy everything in their premises. They didn't break vents, use the girls bathroom even though Raf and Nick's room was right across from it, or do anything disruptive. They were extremely thoughtful and respective. I really liked them. They also brought with them a nice presence. Apparently, their closest friends all seem to be singers, or enjoyed singing and music. They sang a lot and I found it to be the most adorable thing in the world. Their presence alone just made me happy. Sadly, I didn't get one of their names (their real name, at least). Anyways, I really hope they visit again. I reeeeally liked them. Oh, and they also have good manners! I miss them already.

I have a Bio exam on Friday and haven't studied yet. I guess I should get that started. Au revoir! I'm going to try my best not to skip another day of blogging. Sorry once again!

P.S. I just came back from our Open Mic Night and it was awesome. My stupid camera died before capturing Larry's performance. Super angry I couldn't record it, but at least Connor has it. I'm going to try uploading all the videos I've taken onto YouTube sometime soon. I'll keep you posted.

Mellow Fellow.

I'm feeling pretty indifferent right now. I haven't done much today.

I got back from dinner not too long ago, and realized that eating with different people this weekend made me really miss the usual dinner gang. People were in too much of a rush to eat and leave, which was surprisingly the person I used to be. I guess eating with the usual's changed my eating habits. It's nice to take time and enjoy food and conversation rather than cramming everything down your throat. This weekend is messing up my eating habits. I can't wait until everyone gets back. This weekend was nice and quiet, but I miss the noise and people.

I cleaned my desk today. It's really empty at the moment. My printer is back on the ground so there's plenty of room on my desk. I've also finally put my drawers in use, which gives my shelves a lot more room. It's nice. Anyways, class starts tomorrow. I'm happy I have cyber class for sociology. This means my first class is in the dormitory across the street from mine. How awesome is that? All I have to do is leave two minutes before class. :)

There's not much to say today. I should get started on my English homework before the gang gets back. Sorry for the uneventful post. Enjoy your night!

3 Day Weekend. (Cont.)

Molly left today, so I feel even more alone than ever. I got to know her better after sleeping there and chitchatting. She's too nice for her own good. She can't seem to say no to a "friend" she's known since childhood. I guess she just feels like she can't end their friendship after all those years, as if she has to stay friends with her. In addition to that, she's the most adorable thing in the world because she's never kissed a guy! How cute is that? I really wish her the best of luck in finding a man that will treat her well.

I talked to Jonathan yesterday and convinced him to visit me sometime this semester. He said he would've visited this weekend if I had asked him earlier. I really wish I had! I'm just going to blame his crumby car. Anyways, we talked for a good amount of time. I feel bad because we talked so long that I missed watching No Country for Old Men with Max and Stefano. I seriously have to stop ditching them! I feel like I do it all too often. But the talk with Jonathan did make my night a lot better.

I'm not sure what else I should say... Thomas and I got into a stupid argument yesterday. Our moods were the complete opposite and everything just crashed in front of our faces, but that's alright. It was a stupid, and I guess I was in too good of a mood to give a crap about his at the moment. I can be such an asshole sometimes. It's one of my flaws, but I'm slowly working on it. I think the majority of people need to work on it. It's nice to genuinely ask other people how they're feeling. I know I feel good when someone asks me... and the key word is genuinely. Not a 'Hey, how are you' while walking by someone. Those are always answered with "good"'s, which lack as much sincerity as the question being asked.

Anyways, I'm just going to start watching Bones from square one, and read a bit after. Catch you later, dearest.

3 Day Weekend.

The majority of my friends left for this long weekend. Many went to peoples houses, and some just back home. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do. Matt H. offered me a ride and I might possibly take his offer, but at the same time I'm not sure if I want to go home. There's so much I can do here. The only reason I might want to go home is to bring stuff back there and take a few things back here. Other than that, I'd much rather stay here and get plenty of work done. I think it would be nice to have a weekend all to myself. I can catch up on work, TV shows, and read. Also, I can once again do everything at my own pace. Maybe I'll even hit the gym once and for all!

I do, however, want to get someone to come up here. I'm trying to convince Jonathan C. at the moment. I think it would be nice to see his hot self once and for all. It's been a while since I've seen him. I haven't asked him yet though. I called him when he was on his break at work and he said he'd call me back, but I know he might not. Guys tend to do that. I actually think he does that quite often, but that's fine.

I'm not what to do this weekend. The guy I like is planning to go out to a friends party today. He seems to want to party a lot, which leads me to believe he's not ready to commit. Oh well... There are times when I feel like he's not interested in becoming more-than-friends whatsoever. Other times, he does. I'm not really sure what to think. Maybe it is just because he still has that just-into-college mentality where all he wants to do is have fun and party. I don't blame him. I do wish he was less of a party guy though. Meh.

I'm in somewhat of a crumby mood at the moment. I wish there was someone here I could talk to. I'm just being a party pooper and listening to music on my bed. I think I'll catch up on some TV shows. Adios, lovers.

Valentine's Day Weekend

I have no idea what I'm going to do this weekend. People are going to Maddie's house, others to Ashley's or Rachel's. Me? Clueless as always. I tend to decide on my "vacation" plans last minute, but that's okay. It's nice to sail aimlessly sometimes.

Today was a pretty productive day. I shipped out my sold textbook! I hope it finds the buyer well. I was so excited. After doing that, I came back to the dorm and took an hour nap, then went for a really long dinner. At around 8PM, we decided to leave the DC. The others went back to the dorm, while I went to the library to write my sociology paper. For some reason, I was completely awake, as if I just got up from an eleven hour nap. It was lovely. I had such a good time writing my paper, and for once, I wrote up to the maximum page limit (which was only three, but it's better than two)! I got back to the dorm at midnight and here I am, sitting in the hallway outside Raf's room with Raf himself. I'm just accompanying him for his paper since we're in the same class, and then a bit for his studying.

I'm surprised I don't talk about him more. He's one of my close friends at the dorm, and he's super awesome. I'd say Raf and I became friends quickly. After realizing we were both up at odd hours of the night, we immediately clicked. In fact, his feet are on my right now and I don't have a problem with it. Haha. Well... I guess I have a slight problem with feet, but I don't mind all too much. So, who's this Raf character? He basically this super chill, overly energetic and loving guy. He also lives with the guy I like. Yep... Oh, and with Raf, comes his girlfriend. They are the cutest thing ever. I don't know her personally, but they seem perfect together. He is so much in love with her.

Anyways, that's the gist of who Raf is. It's getting late and I have a class at 9:05AM tomorrow, so I better sleep. I feel bad for leaving Raf. I hope he does well on his Psych exam and gets plenty of sleep. Goodnight world, and goodnight Raf! Love ya :)

No snow.

UMass was closed today due to the snowstorm, yet there was no snow. But what am I to complain about? I was ecstatic. Seeing as Wednesdays are one of my longer days, I was extremely glad not to have to go to class. The only downside was I got lazy. I didn't do anything but sleep, eat, and watch TV. I feel like such a slob! I guess my two day streak of going to the library after classes came to an end. Tomorrow's going to be a bit more rough compared to other days because I have two papers due tomorrow. One to edit for the last time, and one to start. It should be fairly easy though.

On a side note, I always find myself to fall in and out of guys. Once again, I find myself losing interest in that someone, but at the same time, not. I guess I "lose interest" in him when I feel like he's losing interest in me. The thing that's different about it this time is that I still like him because I know he's great... and since I've once again called him "great", I'll take this opportunity to tell you why.

First of all, he just gives off a positive vibe. He's friendly, talkative but not too talkative, and extremely welcoming. He has a charming personality and is very attentive when interacting with him. He's also really considerate, always offering you a seat, or to get more comfortable in his room. In addition to his good mannerisms, he is the type of guy who thinks about the future. What I mean about that is that he knows what he wants to do in the future and takes his work seriously. He also squeezes plenty of fun in between. And because he knows the type of career path he's getting into, he's very considerate on where he wants his future tattoo to be at. He also play fights, which is the cutest thing ever, and jokes around. He gets along with his family, and doesn't seem to be the type of guy who gets angry. Oh, and he's super calm and loving. I believe he's a nature sort of guy, since his family owns a cabin and goes there quite often. He's also helpful seeing as he helped me sell my book on Ebay and even paused his game to do so! :)

So yeah, there must be something wrong with this guy, right? Not really. I think he's basically the entire package. The only thing I'm worried about is him playing too many games, and thinking about partying to much, which is something I don't really do. But other than that, that's him... or what I know of him to be. Great, huh?

By the way, the Ebay thing! I sold my textbook on Ebay! You have no idea how excited I was when I found that out. It ended up being a bit more than what I bought it for too! But not by much. Maybe not by anything even, since I have to pay for shipping, but it doesn't really matter because I sold it! Yay! I'm going to ship it tomorrow. I'm so excited!

Goodnight, love bug. :)

Anthropology.

I've been thinking about this major a lot. After going to my Anthro 234 (Art in a Cross-cultural Perspective) discussion and learning a bit about cultural anthropology, I've been putting it into daily use. I feel as if everything relates back to it, or could relate back to it. I'm always thinking about things in other peoples perspectives now. I mean, I sort of always have, but never to such an extent. The best thing about this class is knowing that there are people out there who are extremely open minded. It bothers me when people are stubborn and refuse to accept points of views different from their own. It's such a relief knowing there are others who do.

On another note, I've been going to the library right after my classes for the past two days and have been very productive. I usually do the majority of my work there, and come back to the dorm with time to do whatever I want. It's so relaxing. This routine allows me to blog at this time of night! It's not even 1AM yet! I love it. I think I'm going to continue doing this for the rest of my semester. All I have to do now is squeeze time for the gym in there. The problem with that at the moment is I'm sick. Stuffy and runny noses along with sore throats don't go well with increased oxygen uptake. It just makes everything burn and run more.

With that said, I'm going to leave you and try to get a good nights rest. By the way, I've been craving bacon pizza for the past two nights. Is that weird? Also, I'm slacking on the job applications. One is due on Friday and I'm going to kick myself if I miss the deadline. I really want this job. Wish me luck. <3 always.

Blab, blob, bleb.

I don't know what to write about, but do at the same time. I just checked my email and it seems to me that I'm not a Ski & Snowboard board member anymore. I guess I have to sign up again. It's just a pain in the but because I've emailed them numerous times and haven't gotten a single response back.

Another thing on my mind is my mystery guy. I know I've said this one too many times, but I'm still somewhat confused about how he feels about me. I don't know why I feel like I need to say that for every post. I guess it's just because I'm always around him, which makes me think that I should spend less time around him. I feel as if I'm almost living with him. In fact, I was in his room today more than I was in my own room. That's a problem. I guess he's also a distraction. His room is like a warp hole, and you feel like you can't leave once you enter.

The third item on my mind is Matt. I've missed Matt so much! I decided that today was a good time to talk to him and catch up. We didn't talk too much seeing as it was 1:30AM, but we did have a nice little conversation. I found out he's planning to go on a bunch of skiing trips with his friends and family. He's so lucky. I wish he'd take me! Anyways, I realized that I miss talking to him and the random visits he'd take into my room last semester. I miss the crazy stories he'd tell me and just his general presence, but all in all, I'm glad we still talk occasionally and tell one another about random interesting facts.

Those are basically the three main things floating about in my mind at the moment. I also feel like I need to start being more productive and hitting the gym. By the way, I went to the library today and checked out the new Learning Commons. It's huge. We have so many more computers! Anyways, it's getting to be that time again, so peace, love, and happiness to you all.<3

The Importance of Friendship.

Thomas' post has got me thinking about friendship and how it plays such a huge role in relationships with significant others.

When I starting dating guys, the only thing that mattered to me was the fact that I could state I was in a relationship. I always thought I was a late bloomer when it came to relationships. I felt as though everyone had already had a boyfriend and kissed a guy by the age of thirteen, leaving me to be the oddball. I was ashamed and longed to be in a relationship for all the wrong reasons. I "liked" guys I knew I didn't, and even "went out" with one I thought was gay. When I had my first kiss, it was with a guy I met only a couple weeks prior to that. I remember the relief I felt knowing that I was no longer the girl who never kissed.

I went out with that guy for a month, claiming I was "in love" with him. That was the thing when I was thirteen - love. Every relationship I had around that time was believed to be true love, and trust me, I went through a number a guys claiming to be in love with them. After realizing each of those relationships ended within less than a month, I decided to end the madness. I took a break from guys.

Within that time period, I thought a lot about relationships and began taking them more seriously. I no longer rush into them, but become friends with a guy before trying anything. I have to admit that I could use a bit more practice on that seeing as my past relationship seemed quite rushed, but I have been doing a lot better since. I was quite convinced I liked a guy during my first semester of college, but decided to wait it out and get to know him more. I'm glad I did because I don't think we would've worked out in the long run.

Now, I'm waiting it out a bit on this guy that I might be into. Part of me feels like things are going slow, but that's just my hormones talking. I'm actually quite happy about the pace of things. We really do act like friends. I have to admit that we do act like we're more than friends at times, but it's nothing serious. We haven't kissed or anything, which is how I want it to be like at the moment. He seems like a great guy. I think I've been calling him that a lot because he really is. I don't think I've met anyone like that his age, or even older yet. Maybe I'll write a post explaining why he's so great in the future.

Honestly, sometimes I think his personality is flawless, causing me to feel self conscious about my own. Sometimes, it makes me think I may not even be good enough for him. But I know we both have our flaws and I'm quite willing to accept those of his I currently know. Hopefully he's willing to accept mine.

Anyways, it was because of Thomas that I wrote this post. I miss him and the comfort he'd bring with him. It's hard to find someone you're comfortable with. As crazy as he can be, I'd say he's one of my, if not my closest, friends.

I'm done for the night. I still have work to do tomorrow. Hope your day is as lovely as it can be. Goodnight world.

Sleepless nights.

I'm having one of those nights. It sucks because I actually want to sleep. I need to write my English paper tomorrow and then peer edit it with Ian. Grr. I hope I don't keep him waiting too long.

Anyways, today was a slow day. It felt more like a Saturday than a Sunday. Everyone went to watch a movie while only a handful of us stayed at the dorm. I'm actually glad I stayed because I got some laundry and cleaning done, and hung out with Raf and Nick. I haven't seen them in a while. It was a nice day to relax and I'm glad I didn't spend five hours watching a movie.

On another note, I hung out with him again and I do think there's a possibility he may like me. I stopped by his room as Mean Girls was playing on the television, so I decided to joined him. He was mainly focused on Call of Duty as the others watched the movie. I took a seat next to him on the ground seeing as it was basically the only place to sit, and after a couple minutes, he turned the game off and sat next to me. We somehow ended up wrestling for a second and then sat intertwined with one another. It was then that I realized he might possibly like me. After the movie was over and some time had passed, we ended up lying on the bed again - Shoko included - and were basically forced to spoon with one another. Now I'm not sure if I'm reading the signs correctly, but I think he was subtly playing footsie with me. I don't know.

I'm never sure about how to read guys. However, he does believe, just like I do, that relationships shouldn't be forced (i.e. set ups, etc.) and should happen naturally. I guess I'll find out sooner or later...

Oh, and I got a package in the Cluster Office! I wonder what it's gonna be. 4:26AM and still not tired...

Saturday Mornings.

...or afternoons.

I tend to think during these hours; right when I wake up until I eat get breakfast. It's a nice time to think about everything that's occurred throughout the week.

Today, I woke up thinking about him. I hate to say it, but he's been on my mind a lot. Seeing as yesterday was Friday and his friends came over, he got pretty wasted. I also noticed he was talking to Shoko a lot, which makes me wonder if he likes her. There was also another time when a couple of us thought that. But the answer still remains unclear... Part of me thinks he's better off single at the moment because he's still into the college partying and what not. The other part makes me think that he'd be a good boyfriend nonetheless because he doesn't hookup with others even when he's drunk. I don't know. I'm pretty torn about this. I'm not even sure if he feels the same way about me as I do him even when that thing the other day happened. I'm also trying not to hit on him blatantly to ensure myself that if and when he does develop these feelings for me, they are in fact real and not only a response to my attraction towards him.

Grr. I'm starting to believe these feelings are real and getting a lot stronger, but before I can confess them to someone, I have to figure him out.

Well, it's time about that time to go to breakfast now, so I'm off. Sorry for skipping a day of blogging once again. I'll keep you posted. <3always.

It's a small world.

Damn it! I skipped a day of blogging once again. It's not because I'm sick of blogging or don't want to do it, I just run out of time in my day or get caught doing something else.

So... speaking of the Worcester guy, I told Gabby about him during lunch so we looked for him. Sadly, we couldn't find him. Gabby said I'd see him if it we were meant to be. I left Worcester today without seeing him.

On the bus to Northampden for Shoko's tattoo, guess who I see. That's right. The guy. I was shocked. I couldn't believe my eyes. It was the same guy whom I saw at Worcester. The super sweet, kind guy. He was standing right next to the seat I was sitting in. We caught each others gaze but didn't say anything. Once the bus cleared up a bit and seats opened up, he sat down two seats in front of me. I got off the bus without saying anything to him.

I'm at Lucky's right now. I've been here for quite some time, and Shoko's finally getting tatted up. Maddie's downstairs accompanying her and Sihem and I are sitting upstairs. I think I'm gonna head downstairs to switch with her soon. But before I do that, I have some juicy news out for you fellow readers. If you recall, I've been talking about this certain someone for quite some time now. (The guy in my dreams, if that helps.) Anyways, I went to his room last night to watch a video for Soc class with his roommate and ended up staying there until 2AM. Yep... 2AM. After watching the video, I got pretty tired and lied on their couch for a bit. Then I somehow maneuvered myself onto that certain someones bed. After he was done playing games, he got on it too and we ended up lying next to one another for an hour or two. As we were talking, I noticed that his arm was around me and somewhat holding me at times. There were also other times where he'd roll over and wrap both arms around me. Cute, huh? Haha.

Anyways, I'm not completely sure about the whole thing going on between him and I because I don't know his intentions. (By the way, Shoko's tattoo looks sick.) Also, it's because his roommate is sort of a guy. By that, I mean that he's always talking about sex, women, and whatnot even though he has a girlfriend. I know he's loyal to her and all, but I feel that his intentions are mainly about fucking, and that might be rubbing off on the guy I'm interested in. Who knows... I'm sure we'll end up talking about this sometime if he is interested in what might become of us.

About an hour left until Kevin's gonna be done with Shoko's tattoo. That's what it looks like now.

I can't wait to get one of my own.

Worcester.

I just met the man of my dreams! Well... not just. This happened around 1PM today. Anyways, I was waiting in a mighty long line to get a Chicken Caesar Wrap, when I see Don. Realizing that Worcester is overcrowded, I ask him to hand me a plate as he walked by. Suddenly, the guy in front of me leans over to grab a plate, turns around, puts on hand on my arm, ans says to me, "Don't worry. No one will cut you." At first, I thought to myself, 'Hey... cutie. Thanks for the warning'. Then, a minute later, he sees plastic wrap on the ground and decides to lean over to pick it up and throw it in the trash.

I was in disbelief. Did I just see a guy do that? That seemingly meaningless action stole my heart. I never imagined myself to see a guy who looked like he did to lean over, pick up plastic that had fallen out of the trashcan, and tuck it back into it's place. Yes, I know I sound bawdy. I also know that attractive guys can be polite and respectful to people and the environment, it was just that he caught me off guard. I'm usually able to interpret people's personality quite well, just not his. He didn't seem to be a guy that would pick something trash up off the ground. He seemed to be one that would take one glimpse and leave it there. In fact, I think he picked it up the second he saw it with no hesitation.

I wish I had the guts to talk to him. Instead, I just stood there quietly, captivated by this lovely quality I didn't expect a guy to have. Oh, I only wish I'd have such an encounter with him again.

No wonder people call me smitten...

My newfound love.

Oh no! I can't believe I skipped a day of blogging. I guess I was just go exhausted and had work to do after I came back from SNOWBOARDING! :)

It was a-w-e-s-o-m-e. I can't describe my love for it in words. Also, it's not as hard as it looks. I think I picked it up quite easily. After conquering my fears of diving into and facing the slope, the rest was history. It felt natural, almost as easy as breathing. Everything just came to me. I was able to stop, turn, everything - except doings tricks, of course. I have to admit I started doing worse after a couple times down the slope, but I think it was just exhaustion that was creeping up on me.

I miss the slopes so much. I realized that every time I close my eyes, I picture myself going down a mountain. Am I obsessed or what? I guess I look at snowboarding as if it's an escape. There's nothing but white snow and trees. Nothing but the softness of snow and being on it. Oh, the rush of adrenaline! I love it. I thrive for it. When you have something so calming, yet gives you that rush, there's nothing better. I want back.

The Ski and Snowboard Club has trips planned every weekend of February. I wish I had all the equipment. I'd go every weekend if I could. I hope I can at least go once more this semester. In fact, my cousin and I are talking about taking a trip to a mountain during my three day weekend this very second. I'm not sure if it'll actually happen, but it's the thought that counts.

Anyways, I have work with my name on it, so catch me later. <3 always.

By the way, Happy Birthday Mom