I need new friends.

This current winter vacation has by far been the most boring vacation I've ever had. To start it off, I've been sick all this time (mainly just excessive phlegm in the morning, but sick nonetheless). I also haven't really gone out at all. I'd say I went out 3 times... and two weeks have passed. How sad is that?

My thing is that I only hang out with close friends. I don't really socialize with anyone else but the two that I have. And needless to say, they're preoccupied with girls or work.

The problem I've realized about myself is that I don't express myself. All this time, throughout my 19 years of living, I wanted to be seen as the independent girl who could take care of herself - no help needed. I kept my emotions to myself, filtered my words to prevent judgment, strove to remain neutral in discussions, etc. I thought this was the way people should present themselves, but I can now see that it's not. Living and thinking this way has only made me boring. I was watching some show earlier today, or possibly a few days ago, and someone said "people like feeling needed." Now, I've heard this saying many times before, but I guess I never took it to heart. It took me all this time to realize that I didn't make people feel needed. I was always just there. I never called someone in tears. I never called someone to tell them of a heartbreak, or of a new romance. I never called you. My problem is that I'm too conserved. I don't share the kodak moments of my life, or any part of it really. I've bottled myself up for too long and I think its time for me to let go.

Two steps forward, one step back.

Once again, I feel lost. About two weeks ago, I could honestly say I was set on majoring in kinesiology, nutrition, or public health. It didn't take much for me to change my mind once again.

What happened? Anatomy and Physiology. I got my third exam grade back Thanksgiving weekend, and needless to say, it was horrible. It was way worse than I expected. In fact, I expected my grade to be a lot better. I actually remember walking out of the exam room thinking I did fine. I guess I didn't. The thing is that that's not the only exam I did bad on. So far, my exam grades have been 84, 64, and 60. I only have one more exam for this class, which is the final, and I'm not sure how well I'm going to do. The problem is that this is my first exam on exam week. It's actually scheduled on the earliest time slot available, Monday at 8am. I mean, I'm definitely going to try my hardest to study a ton and ace it, but after calculating my possible grade for the class, the highest I can get is a C... With the huge possibility of getting a D.

I'm just not sure what to do. I can always take the class over to replace that grade, but am I still even interested in Kin? Should I try nutrition out? I don't know if I'm ever going to be sure of myself when I go through classes this way. I need to find my big picture and work my way down... or else I'll be stuck here forever.

I suck at this.

I've become really bad with this whole blogging thing. It used to be a daily activity of mine, but is now more of a monthly thing. I guess school has just gotten to me. I'm still constantly doing work or studying. It could also be the fact that I, interestingly enough, no longer feel the need to blog. It might also be because I'm beginning to call people and talk my problems and feelings out to someone when I need to. It feels great realizing that because I never used to verbalize my feelings and emotions, or problems going on in my life. Life's a lot better this way.

On another note, I'm finally back in Boston for Thanksgiving and I can say I'm quite ready to go back. It's not because I'm sick of Boston or the people here, but because I've really come to believe that I have eating problems when I'm home. Why? Because my mom makes too much food, there's too many snacks lying around, and I just have nothing else to do! I mean, I was alright in the summer because I was able to go outside and run everything off, but now it's a lot colder and I just can't find the guts to run out in such weather. It's really a problem. I feel sick to my stomach each time I eat. Also, another reason for my binge eating is because I become so dehydrated here. My parents tend to boil water before consuming it, so I've just become accustom to that at home. If I were anywhere else, I wouldn't mind if it was boiled, filtered, or straight from the tap. I just tend to drink water quicker than it is boiled and cooled that I end up having no more water to drink, and an increased appetite due to dehydration. Anyways, this has been an ongoing internal battle for quite some time now. I find that the key is to just kick myself out of the house and keep busy.

Along with that tidbit of information about myself, I also have an update on my love life. Adam, my "random encounters" man did end up having a thing for me. How did I figure that out? Because he tried to kiss me. Did I let him? Nope. Why? Because of Jamie. Long story short, Adam left one weekend, which just so happens was the weekend I hooked up with my neighbor two doors down from me. It just didn't feel right to kiss one guy after hooking up with another two days before. Anyways, I think the whole Adam thing is over because I'm assuming he got back together with his ex-girlfriend, seeing how he hasn't visited me in approximately a week (unlike he used to when he'd visit at least once every two or three days). I think that's fine with me though, seeing as every part of me told me I had stronger feelings for Jamie. The odd thing is that I'm quite sure things won't really work out with Jamie and I. Well, I'm sure they can, but I just feel like they won't. He's just a bit crazy for me. And "crazy's" probably not the right word, but he is just very much like a free spirit. He allows himself the ability to just drop everything and leave. He even said it upfront to me that he plans on leaving for California on a blank slate, or in other words, single, which is what I assumed he'd be doing regardless of whether he told me or not... And to be honest, I was pretty okay with that. I didn't want to rush into anything seeing as we barely knew one another. But what really confused me was this one time he told me he was a bit jealous of something subtle this other guy did to me, which made me question how much he really liked me. He's just really confusing, as is the situation he's putting us in. Is it odd that typing all this makes me want to stray away from this relationship though? Or, it could also be my sleepiness kicking in. Anyways, farewell for now and goodnight.

Home.

I don't have much time to myself. Well, I guess I've been spending a lot of time by myself; I just haven't been using it for myself.

This semester has been so hectic for me. I've never had so many exams in my lifetime. I've had at least one every week since the 22nd of September, and along with that, I have a quiz every week as well. The crazy thing is that I'm only taking four classes, whereas I usually take five. I guess that's just what happens when you decide on a major.

But besides me complaining about my hectic classes, I know you've been waiting to hear about my love life - since I'm always talking about the many men that take part in my life. As of now, there's no one I'm dating or really talking to. I mean, there was this guy I met in Jersey when I went with Maddie back home, but it didn't take me too long to realize we were living in two separate worlds. Our outlooks on life were just too different. Other than him, I haven't really met anyone else - unless you consider this guy I bump into randomly and quite frequently a possible love interest. I do, however, believe he has a girlfriend, which means he's off the market. Anyways, he looks and seems really sweet. And I don't know if this is only my outlook on the two of us, but it seems as if we're always so captivated with one another when we do bump into each other. Our random relationship is quite interesting. It was only yesterday that we finally introduced ourselves after weeks of random encounters. I wonder what will become of us.

And speaking of men, my Anatomy and Physiology Lab TA is so cute! I'd die if something were to happen between the two of us. He just seems so smart and approachable! But I highly doubt any romantic relationship would become of us because of the whole age difference thing. He's probably also taken because... come on. Who wouldn't want him? Oh, I need a miracle! Haha.

Anyways, I've come to terms with Baker for quite some time now. I really like it here. The people are nice, the place is calm, and there's just so many people you can meet. But even though I do like it here, I can honestly say that I miss home/Boston. I was walking back to my dorm a while back and overheard someone saying how they love it here, but they're tired of it. And it's not because Amherst can be rowdy or anything, but it's simply because of home, because of family. And I understood her. I miss my mom, my dad, and my brother. I miss slouching on my couch and watching countless hours of television. Home... it's so calming.

Lost.

There have been so many times that I've found myself wanting to blog about everything going on in my life. I've just been too consumed with school, exams, my social life, homework, etc. And when I'm not doing any of those things, I try to read or just relax.

Lately, as in pretty much these past two days or so, I haven't really been able to hold myself together. Well, I guess I appear to be alive and well, but inside, my mind is going on these crazy tangents.

Once again, I find myself lost in this vast world. I should be used to this by now, but I'm not. I'm questioning what I want to do with my life - which road I should take. Should I do something in kinesiology, or nutrition? Or, should I just trash both ideas and pursue something in art, design, or even something in the culinary field?

Not only am I mind boggled by my future career, but I'm also at a loss for romance. I'm starting to think I'm too picky. But at the same time, do I deserve anything less than what I'm looking for now? I think they're already low enough. In fact, I feel like my standards should be increasing even more with age.

There's so many things I know I want to say, but I no longer find this time to be the right anymore. There's so many things I feel like saying and are almost condemned to say, but I just don't know how to approach them. I feel so open and free, but at the same time so closed and restricted. I sort of feel alone. I mean, I know I have people I can talk to, but I just can't bring myself to do so. I just don't know...

The Good Life.

What's motivated me to write this post was a conversation I had with Toren last night. I asked him what he'd do with a degree in Public Health. He had no definite answer. Instead, he explained to me why he chose Public Health over Kinesiology; "because I want to graduate in time." The second he said that was the second I realized how much my perspective on college, and education in general has changed.

I remember very clearly something Nemat told me once before - that college students have great lives. I've finally come to terms with that. As students, we pretty much just live to learn and play. This is the time in our lives where we have complete control with everything we do. We decide when we want to have classes, when we wake up, when we have days off, the clubs we join, whether or not we want a job, and pretty much what we want to eat. I can't think of much we don't have control over.

Why Toren's words struck me so hard was because he basically chose his career path due to his inability to graduate in four years. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I just found his logic to be so idiotic! Why on earth would you pick a direction to lead your life in without knowing where it can take you, while you know very well the destination of the other? And to make his decision sound even more idiotic, he also knows he wants to do Kinesiology! He knows his heart's in it. That's what phases me the most - he knows what he wants, but he seems to have such a great fear of sticking UMass out for another year that it's holding him back.

Anyways, I'm going to finally go inside the library (I'm currently sitting outside and soaking in the sun) and do some work. Au revior! Tu me manques. French class is going very well so far. :)

Baker

Something's not right. My UMass spirit is dwindling. I don't know what it is exactly, but I don't feel at home like I did in Van Meter. I guess I still love UMass and everything, but something just seems to be missing. It might not even necessarily be this dorm. It might just be me. I feel out of place. I haven't even been in the mood to meet people or socialize. Maybe I'm just going through one of my semi-depressive/antisocial states. At least, I hope this is the case so I can get over it and come to love UMass again...

Another reason making me fall out of love with UMass might also be peoples longing to make and become friends with everyone else. People seem to try too hard or act too cool. Toren brought that up about his roommate, and I guess it made me realize that that's how my dorm seems to be like. I guess I'm just not interested in becoming friends with people who care more about partying than they do their college education. I'm starting once again to become someone solely focused on academics and self improvement. I know it sounds selfish, and a little dumb on the whole "networking" aspect, but I just feel like hanging out and becoming "friends" with people I won't stay close with or ever be close with is a waste of my time. I can be joining clubs, studying my ass off for kinesiology, or hanging out with the ones I already love...

But I understand. This is only the second day of classes (my first). I shouldn't be so standoffish. Let's just hope these days get better. Wish me luck!

Moleskine

About two years ago, Henry gave me this Moleskine notebook for a reason I don't quite remember. I haven't used it due to the fact that Moleskine's are the greatest notebooks of all time and I didn't want to risk ruining it. However, I can finally say I'm ready to dabble with it. I've decided that for each page I use, I will draw, doodle, or write until I feel that that page is complete. Maybe I'll even post them here for you to see. :)

I think this is a great place to start though... or continue and expand on my neglected creativity.

1st Place.

I know I'm going to look back at this a few years from now and wonder "What if..." I don't know how I should feel about that, and more importantly, I don't know what to do...

Amherst draws near.

I know this may sound redundant since I just wrote a post about it, but I felt the need to elaborate.

Boston makes me feel depressed. I don't know the exact reason why, but I feel like it has something to do with everything that goes on around here. There's already a lot of things going on in my life - in our lives - but to top it all off, even when we don't want to think those things, we can't. We live in a world too consumed with everything. There's never really a dull moment when you can sit, and truly feel the calm breeze.

That's what I miss about Amherst. It's even through those tough, sleepless nights during finals that I can still relax and not over stress about anything. It's thanks to the wonders of mother nature that I can truly take a break from school, from people, and the stress life brings to us. Realizing this has made me wonder where I'll end up later on in my life. Will I go back to being a city girl and raise my future kids here? Or will I move to the suburbs where even hectic, tiresome days can miraculously feel like vacations?

There's so much life has to offer... Sometimes I wish it'd just give us less options so we wouldn't have to think about these things. But I guess I'll just stick to the suburbs now. I live there more than I do at home anyways. Plus, I don't ever seem to get sick of it. Oh, Amherst... I can't wait to see you again.

Cities make me feel...

Aqualung - Strange and Beautiful (I'll Put a Spell On You)

I've been watching your world from afar.
I've been trying to be where you are,
And I've been secretly falling apart - unseen.
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful.
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see.
You turn every head but you don't see me.

...this way.

Take me back to the 'burbs.

Sex in an Anthropogenic View.

People say humans are the only animals/mammals to have sex for pleasure, but is that really true?

It is scientific fact that all living creatures live to bear children, pass on their traits, etc. So why is it that us humans are looked upon as sexual deviants?

It is not because we are, but because it is frowned upon to bear children at the start of puberty. Years ago, it was, in fact, accepted and pretty much expected to be wed and pregnant by the age of 13. Theoretically speaking, there is nothing wrong with that. Once we hit our pubescent ways, our bodies are telling us it's ready to mate and have children. Say, if we were to throw one man and one woman who have never been influenced by anything in their lifetime, they'd probably become sexually intimate as soon as they'd get the drive to. It wouldn't have anything to do with desire, but instead, our bodies telling us to mate. If it weren't for marriage, love, and all the romance we've grown a longing for, people all over the world would be mating like rabbits.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is what some people have been saying all along - that sex isn't necessarily something we do just because we want pleasure, but because it is a natural part of life. Society just tends to look at it as an abuse of pleasure due to our current need to develop ourselves mentally before physically or sexually.

Note: This is just one of the many random thoughts I get before going to bed. I am so thankful to have this BlackBerry so I can blog as my thoughts form. :)

P.S. Sorry if I didn't happen to make any sense! That's what I get when I blog at this hour in real-time. Goognight!

I am shallow.

I never thought I'd say this about myself, but I'm a shallow person.

It hit me a few minutes ago when I was thinking about my love interests. I didn't mention this in my last post, but there's a guy I'm interested in who has a quality I've been looking for for quite some time now; he cares about health and physical wellbeing. Now, I know many guys and people in general care about their health and whatnot, but this guy's different. He takes it to a whole new level. Not only does he surpass this characteristic I'd like my companion to have, but he seems to be a genuine, good guy.

There just happens to be one thing about him that somewhat pushes me away. I won't allow myself to say it though. It was definitely something that never should've crossed my mind but only did because I compared him to someone else. Anyways, I'm also thinking I may be feeling this way because I don't know him well enough at the moment. I'm actually quite sure that once we get to know one another better, I'd easily look past it.

P.S. Forgive the appearance of this post and all future posts in this same format. I'm just blogging through my phone, and it just so happens to publish these posts in this format. I'll fix it once I hop onto a computer though!
P.P.S. Mobile blogging makes my life so much easlier. :) Also, T-Mobile has upgraded T-zones! Now I can check my email and do a ton of other new awesome things through this phone! I'm not sure if I have to pay for it though... I hope not! They haven't charged me for anything just yet.
P.P.P.S. Good night!

Cirque.

Taken by Emily

For some reason, I just got a sudden rush to go back to UMass. I'm looking forward to really learning again. I mean, I did my best to try and teach myself French through all those videos, read a ton of books, and find a job - all of which I did to an extent - but I just really want to start learning about the human anatomy as well as see if I'm interested in learning about nutrition. I'm so excited about my classes. I'm also excited to meet a ton of new people, reunite with old friends, and get closer to some.

On another note, my position at Cirque ended on Sunday. It was so sad not to have time to have a real goodbye with some people. It kind of sucked due "tear down" occurring directly after the show ended, which meant even us workers had to leave as soon as possible. I'm actually quite sure everything is completely torn down by now and that they're on their way to DC already. I really hope I work for them again. I met so many new and awesome people, got such an amazing inside scoop of Cirque, and built so many new connections. I also feel like I've grown once again and become a more open person. I'm going to miss Cirque so much. I already do! To be honest, I'm even thinking about traveling to Chicago next summer to work with them! And see Chicago, of course. :)

A

I am infatuated with a coworker of mine. So much that I have Ashley Parker Angel's "Crazy Beautiful" in my head. Long story short, we were beer pong partners:)

To evaluate on this post, I think he might just be playing with me. He tells me I'm pretty/beautiful every time we bump into one another, but I'm sure he has a girlfriend of some sort back home. Oh well, he's just fun to be around with at the moment. Let's hope there's another Cirque party before he goes.

Mobile Blogging

I don't know if I mentioned this before, but Huy gave me a BlackBerry some time ago. It used to be locked and have limited functions, but I finally got it to work about two days ago! That means I'm not using my rock anymore! In addition to that, due to my ability to text more easily and just wanting texting in general, I've finally gotten it! I know it's long overdue, but hey, it's better last than never, right?

Anyways, I set up mobile blogger just so I can blog on the go instead of not blogging at all. Also, I can now blog whenever something comes to mind.

I hope this post comes out well! I'm still not sure whether I can give this post a title. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. :)

Edit:
So it turns out that each 160 characters comes out as their own post. I guess I'll just have to post little updates from now on if it's through my phone. I guess that's better than nothing. I don't really want to join twitter that much anyways. Connecting to another Internet realm would take up too much of my life.

May I have this walk?

Good news: I walked from work to South Station with this guy I have a teeny tiny crush on today! He's just adorable. I adore him. He's so cute. :)

Bad news: I've been eying him since I first laid eyes on him and haven't talked to him this much until today! What makes this situation so sad is that today was the last day we're scheduled to work together since he has to leave for school on Thursday? Which is in California. And I can't work on his last day (Wednesday) because I have jury duty... But I hope I see him that day when I watch OVO with Paul!

Tweet, Tweet, Twitter.

I think I need a Twitter to post all my random thoughts... Like, when is it that we look back on our old photos and think "Boy, I've changed a lot" or, a ton of other things that have gotten lost in my sleep due to my laziness to log online. I'll probably just make one once I get texting. I believe you can tweet through text, right? Until then, I'll probably lose all my witty thoughts... or maybe, I'll do it the old conventional way of writing them down.

Work (Cont.)

I haven't ran/jogged in about a week. I feel like I've become such a sloth! All I do is work and read. I don't even watch my French lessons anymore. This is sad. I'm starting to disappoint myself. (Well, I guess I'm not disappointing myself that much because I did accomplish much of what I wanted to so far this summer.) I don't know. I think this whole not-jogging thing is taking a toll on me, as it always does. I guess that means I'll just be finishing my book tonight and running tomorrow! Oh, and I'm quite motivated to squeeze some French in there too.

Work.

I'm finally getting more hours at Cirque! Next week I'm working five out of the six days they have shows! That's insane. I went from 2-3 days a week to five! It's exciting though, seeing as I've been begging for more hours since the start. I'm just worried I'm going to kill my feet! But wish me luck. It's going to be interesting.

Declared.

Paul is right.

We went jogging today and talked a lot about majors, minors, and school in general. I told him I think I've come to a conclusion that I want to try and double major in Kinesiology and Nutrition. After long discussions, he brought up the thought of being able to see me in the field of Adolescent/Young Adult Medicine. To my surprise, I think that field fits me perfectly.

I've actually always wanted to do something involving young adults due to my belief that it is such a huge part of someone's life, and I think this is a great way to do just that. It would also be fantastic to be able to help guide people to live healthier, more fit and nutritious lifestyle.


All these thoughts make me so much more excited for school and the things life has in store for me. :)

P.S. I reactivated my facebook because I realized there is only so much more time until work is over! The befriending begins! ...soon.

In love with Love.

I was always a believer in love. I've always had faith that in time, people would end up with the person they were meant to be with. I guess you can say I believe in "soul mates."

Just recently, I've realize I'm slowly becoming one of those people afraid they won't find their other half. After watching countless television shows, such as The Bachelor/Bachelorette, that revolve around romance, I've realized they are the cause of these thoughts. The "reality" of gorgeous men and women not being able to find love makes me slightly question my own ability.

Luckily, I'm not one to be influenced so easily - especially on this topic. Now, I don't know why I have so much faith in love, but I'm glad I do. I'm also glad for each and every relationship and heartbreak that I've had and will possibly have in the future. They teach me things. Things about relationships, things about the person I'm really looking for, and things about myself. I feel like all the heartbreak and pain is worth it. Because in the end, once you find that person - the person you've been looking for all this time - none of that will matter.

Dandelion Days.

Adam McHeffey

Let's Kick Fire

Dandelion Days

This song doesn't explain it any better...
My roommate introduced me to Adam. He's her brother's friend, and he happens to make damn good music. I was lucky enough to have a roommate who blasted these lovely tunes many mornings throughout the year. They made me a very joyous waker, and got me though many uneventful times. I only hope they do the same for you.

Spiel.

Work, I love you.

Track, you calm me.

Books, you entertain me.

French, you educate me.

Music, you understand me.

Life, I live you.

And I thought my heart wasn't in it.

In the beginning, that is.

Little did I know, I ended up liking him more than I thought I would. He had the kind heart that I longed for. And even the parts of him others may have seen as "fault," I looked at them as individuality. I trusted him a lot - with myself and with my heart. I believed his was in it too, but I guess somewhere along the line, his stopped.

I don't know what else to say. I still think he's a great guy. I still respect his kindness and his entire persona, really. I don't think any less of him. I actually wish him the better - with life and with everything that may come his way. He's a good guy and he deserves good things...

To be honest, I'd say this is my first real "heartbreak." (Not including the whole Dave thing, of course.) I guess I've always been the heart breaker in the past. It's definitely odd being on this end, but it's not as bad as I thought it would be. I'm sure it's just because our relationship didn't get the chance to progress that much. Or, it's just because of the way I take things. I don't know, but I do know others have it a lot worse. It'll be interesting to see how I get over this...

I'll end this post with not a song, but a hopeful quote that I think more people should take into consideration - religious or not.

"God, grant me strength to accept those things I cannot change."

—Camerlengo Ventresca, Angels & Demons

Personal Reminder:

• Look and apply for work study jobs (library, rec center, touring?)
• Apply for leadership positions
• Join clubs
• Keep academics up
• Get to know professors
• To be continued...

Chicago.

I've been meaning to blog for the past two days, but I've just been having such serious brain farts. Writer's block has really been getting to me.

On another note, Peter Cetera, former vocalist for the band Chicago, played at the Esplanade earlier today (or yesterday if you want to get literal)! I only made it for two of his songs, but it was amazing nonetheless. He has such an beautiful voice. I feel lucky enough to have even heard one of his songs live. Not to mention, they were both songs I'm familiar with. I'm so thankful my mother used to turn on the radio and listen to all the oldies. Music back then was so raw and beautiful. I'm so glad I've grown up to love and appreciate it.

Anyways, I believe this was the first song I heard him play today. It's funny because I can relate to it at this moment in my life.

Chicago
Chicago 16
Hard to Say I'm Sorry

P.S. I wonder what it feels like to be Peter Cetera or anyone who made/makes such beautiful music. I wonder if they know how much they've affected peoples lives.

Run.

I've been running/jogging so much these past few weeks - everyday practically. It's only because of all the bottled up emotions I have, though. So I guess it's not that bad that I've been stressed. I just try to take all the negativity in life and transform it into something good - something that would make me a better person. I think that's so important in life, to find a healthy outlet, and I strongly believe that exercise helps. It's similar to punching someone or something, except exercise doesn't require harming another person.

Believing so strongly in this makes me want to become a merge between a therapist, someone who focuses on Kinesiology, or muscle movement, and possibly a nutritionist. Who knows? Maybe I'll create my own major in BDIC. :)

Today's song is different. It's upbeat! But sorry if it's somewhat mainstream.

Neon Trees
Habits
Animal

Under the Bus.

I don't understand what happened with us. We were so good. What changed? It makes me wonder if you were ever sincere - if you ever had feelings for me. I question if this was just a ploy to get back at me, but at the same time, I can't see you as being such a guy. It's because of the way you're handling this situation that makes me think differently. I had so much respect for you but it's diminishing so quickly. Who am I in your eyes anyways? The last I remember, I was your girlfriend. But how can I be your girlfriend when you don't even talk to me? Our relationship has become such a one-way street. What happen to wanting to see me, wanting to talk to me, or just wanting to communicate with me in any way, shape, or form? I used to be something to you. It was either that, or you fooled me into believing so. Now, I'm quite sure I'm nobody. I don't even cross your mind, and I haven't for a while now. I guess I've just been an idiot for holding onto you and believing in us. I thought you a better person, but you proved me wrong. And shame on me for still believing, but I really hope you redeem yourself...

Once again,

The Bravery
The Sun and the Moon
This Is Not the End 

Facebook.

There are good things about it as well as bad things. Sadly, the bad has overruled, which is why I've chosen to deactivate it. I guess I just don't want to concern myself with some things anymore... and facebook was holding me back from doing so. I'll elaborate tomorrow... I've been in such a shitty mood today that I don't want to write about it, let alone think about it.

However, this song couldn't say it any better:

Trapt
Someone in Control
Disconnected

There's something about pie.

I hate pie, yet I find myself eating it all the time. It's not because it tastes completely gross or anything... Something about it just repulses me. Call me a health freak, but I think it's all the carbohydrates it's composed of. I feel like I have to run miles just to make me stop feeling like I've become the pie myself. It's also overly sweet and flaky. Thinking about it just grosses me out all over again! Hah. Oh, why did I eat that slice?

My Birthday.

I didn't realize this until an hour ago, but I dread this day so much. I go about all odds just to avoid it. Heck, I even try to forget it. And honestly, sometimes I do. Of course, that only lasts until I think of how someone might wish me a "Happy Birthday" or how much I dread not wanting to hear that comment.

To be honest, it's not because I dread the thought of getting old or anything like that. I guess it's because I'm afraid people will forget my birthday, or not give a crap about it. I mean, as a child, I always wished for a birthday party of some sort. You know, the ones you see in movies and television shows where you can invite your friends and have a birthday cake, or at the very least, a birthday hat. I don't know. Maybe I just wanted too much. But wanting too much or not, I just dread my birthday. People make too big of a scene out of birthdays, yet nothing exciting really ever happens. Don't mind me though. I'm just a huge pessimist when it comes to this day.

Day off.

I think I've already given up on writing these letters. Hah.

Anyways, not much has been happening. Today is my first day off since I've started working and honestly, I think I'd rather have worked instead. I just feel like I'm wasting time at home. I rarely watch my French lessons anymore, which is bad... I know. And even though I borrowed "Angels & Demons" from the library, I'm currently in no mood to read it! I think it's because of the beautiful weather though. It was supposed to rain today, but instead, the sun's out. Oh well, I guess I can use this day to give my body a rest... or maybe, I'll go out for a jog. Ciao!

Day 3 — Your parents

Dear Mom and Dad,

I know it may not seem like I appreciate you at times, but I hope you both know that I do - a lot. I appreciate every second you both work just to provide for Kevin and I. Not to mention, they're not the jobs you both prefer to do. I look up to you both for that because even after years of doing the same thing, you never complain. I appreciate every meal that's put on the table and every time you've woken me after oversleeping. I appreciate all the clothing you've helped me hem and all the things you've bought for me. I appreciate the memories and the times you've dragged yourself out just so I could play at the park. I appreciate how giving the both of you are because every penny that is made goes towards Kevin and I, while you never purchase a thing for yourselves. I am also thankful you trust me to go places at all hours of day, as well as allowing me to follow my dreams and goals wherever they may lead me to.

There are just so many things you both do that I am thankful for. I don't know of any other human beings more providing than the two of you. Words can't describe what you both do for Kevin and I, nor how appreciative I am. I know I never say this, but I love you two. I really do.

Cirque Du Soleil.

It's only been day one on the job, yet I'm already exhausted. I don't think it's necessarily the job that's making me so tired though. I don't think it's that at all. I think it's the combination of all my emotions and working out the day before. No complaining though! I'm 100% happy I got this job, and I'm also 100% happy I worked out (and will hopefully continue doing so).

Anyways, I got my schedule for the week and I get to work tomorrow! It's a private show for press only, so that's exciting. I also work the day after that, which is the first show open to the public, as well as the day after that, Friday. So far, I only have Saturday off, with the possibility of Sunday (if everyone scheduled to work shows up, that is). I don't know though... I wouldn't mind working everyday. I have nothing better to do anyways. The only thing I would mind is if I don't find those comfortable black Vans to wear... That would suck - for my feet, that is.

Well, I'm just feeling really 'blah' right now. I can't even think of words to write. Ciao.

Someone.

Sometimes I just want to run... run away from everything. I feel like I need to get away in order to forget things - get far away. I guess this urgency goes to show that I'm still hurting and dwelling on the past. I don't understand why I still have these feelings. I don't understand why they're still lingering in my thoughts. I should be over this. I should be over him. I told myself this would be the summer I'd get over him or fall completely in love with him. The first doesn't seem to be happening thus far... and as for love, I'm not even sure what that is. What really sucks is that I feel like I need to hate him to get over him, or maybe cut him out of my life altogether. But what I really think I need is to just hear everything I don't want to hear directly from him. I think my problem is simply that I haven't hit rock bottom just yet... And because of that, I can't rebuild myself anew.

The only thing really keeping me going is that I constantly tell myself to become someone better than anyone he could get - someone he'd wish he had.

William Fitzsimmons
The Sparrow and The Crow
You Still Hurt Me

Day 2 — Your crush

Dear Crush,

Oh wait, I don't have one.

Sincerely,
Lauren

---

On another note, it's been two days. I wonder if he notices. Better yet, I wonder if he thinks of me... or even cares. Seems like history is just repeating itself.

Jon Palmer & The New Complainers
Radio [EP]
Brollo

Day 1 — Your best friend(s)

Dear Best friends,
     I cannot begin to find the words to explain how much I appreciate the both of you. You two are amazing.

Thomas, I never thought we'd be as close as we are now. From the second I met you, I have to admit you were someone I wanted to be friends with. But then again, that thought did only last one second. After witnessing the crazy, energetic side of you, I wanted nothing to do with you. You were just too wild for me! It was thanks to our similar taste in music and bipolar selves that brought us together. What would we do without them both? ...Probably fall into a lonely, lonely depression. I'd like to thank you for being my go-to-guy, especially for my weird, awkward, and crazy spiels. Because, you know, you are weird, awkward, and crazy. But I thank you for that because you make me feel less of that myself.

Paul, what can't we do or talk about with one another? I don't remember exactly how we became so close, but it seems like our friendship happened so effortlessly. I hope I don't sound like too much of a man when I say this, but we're so alike! We work out together, play games together, eat together, talk about everyday life with one another, everything. Heck, I'd probably even wipe your butt for you if you couldn't do so yourself. Gross, I know. But hey, if I wouldn't, who would? Yes, I guess you are that worthy of a friend. And although you aren't weird and crazy in a Thomas way, you're dorky in a scientific way. I appreciate that dorky/quirkiness because it allows us to have many interesting intellectual and scientific conversations. They're well needed sometimes. Thanks.

To the both of you, thank you for putting up with me. Seriously. I know I can be a huge pain in the butt, yet you both choose to stick with me. Thank you for sharing and taking me along with you on your wonderful journeys in life. Thank you for always lending me your ears and taking time out of your busy lives to hang out with me and keep me sane. And most of all, thank you both for just being there and being yourselves. I could not ask for any greater friends than the both of you.

Love,
Lauren

The 30 Day Letter Challenge

So... I've been slacking with my French lessons for about 3 days now due to the fact that I've been going out. I promised myself I'd get back to them once work starts, but for now, more procrastinating! Don't hate me for this, but I stumbled upon this challenge a while back and finally decided to do it. I think it will be interesting. I hope you'll think so too.

Write a letter to these people:
Day 1 — Your best friend
Day 2 — Your crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to
Day 11 — A deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you've drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Oh, and as for work, I got the job as an usher at Cirque Du Soleil! Training is on Tuesday!

Expectations.

I don't know what to expect from the men I date. I never have. And not only do I not know what to expect, but I'm not sure what I'm allowed to ask for...

Should he be the one coming up with plans for our first few dates? Should he be paying? Is he supposed to call me after our first date, or should he not for an entire 24 hours to show that he isn't already obsessed with me? Also, after all those dates and we're finally settled into something more like a relationship, how often should he call? Do I have the right to expect somewhat frequent I-miss-you texts or other signs of endearment? Is he supposed to want to see me quite frequently or at the very least, make an effort to see me at least once or twice a week? Or is he supposed to willingly choose spending time with me over his other plans? And about gifts, do I have the right to expect flowers and a gift on birthday's, other holidays, or even randomly?

I guess I just don't know what is expecting too much, and what is expecting too little. However, I do feel like I'm expecting too little at the moment and not getting nearly enough of anything. It makes me feel like I should be more demanding. But then again, how much is too demanding and how little is too little? What should I expect?

I'm so bad at relationships... Any feedback would be nice.

And once again, The Bravery:

The Bravery
The Sun and the Moon
The Ocean

The In Betweens.

Have you ever looked at your past family photos only to realize they were all taken from your childhood years ago? Or at the very least, witnessed that?

I was catching up on a television series a few nights ago, and it made me question: When do we stop taking those pictures? Why? Why do we have hundreds of photos of us when we were young, and then maybe a dozen more of us when we are older? What happens to all those years in between? It almost seems as if families forget what having fun is all about. Well, I'm sure families still have fun, but what ever happen to "We're having so much fun, we should document this?"

I don't know what changes, but I know I consistently want to take photos with my family, especially since we never do. The earliest photo I have with them (excluding those taken from large family events) don't even include my dad and brother - just my mom. I believe it was back when I was in 5th grade. My mom just wanted to take a walk along the beach. It was a really cloudy and windy day. Not the greatest weather, but definitely a day I can remember...

Sacrifice.

I'm beginning to learn the importance of looking past little things because I know the big picture is what really counts.

On another note, my neighbors whom I've known all my life have been getting into severe arguments for the past two days or so. They (mother and son) have actually been having arguments for years now, but with every year that passes by, those arguments always seem to get worse. It worries me a lot. I'm afraid one of them are going to do something really bad... and I don't know what to do. But I feel like I should do something...

Here's my song today from a new favorite band:

The Bravery
The Sun and the Moon
This Is Not the End 

Je suis apprendre le francais.

For the past couple days, I've been making an attempt to learn French. I stumbled upon this instructional series called "French in Action" which was made for those interested in learning French to do so. It's really awesome seeing as it doesn't cost me a dime, and it already seems to be more effective than my French class in 8th grade. I have to warn you that it's a bit corny and very PBS, because it was made to air there, but it's definitely worth trying out if you're interested in learning.

I've been watching an episode everyday so far and replaying them an additional time or two just to make sure I get the gist of them before going onto the next. They're really helpful not only for learning French, but understanding French culture. I have to admit it's already getting a bit tough due to the grammar, but I'm sure it'll be completely worth it in the end. Hopefully these videos will give me an upper hand in my future French class, and possibly help me if and when I study abroad. The thought of going abroad just motivates me even more. Maybe I'll even major/minor in French! That would be exciting.

Anyways, I have to get out of the house and keep myself busy in order to counteract my bipolar tendencies. Off to Borders I go! I think I might just purchase Angels & Demons, or read it there. I've missed Langdon. A tout a l'heure, mon ami!

Sometimes...

I need to keep my thoughts to myself. Life would be much easier.

Bipolar.

As Thomas has said for years now, I am so bipolar! Haha.

One minute I'm completely confident about my relationship with Dustin, and the next I'm not. I have no reason to be either! It's just my dumb thoughts that take over me. I really have to learn how to control them, or not think about things that way. I have to teach myself to focus on reality and not what might happen or could happen due to my past. ...Because I know everything between Dustin and I feels so right at the moment. There shouldn't be anything that makes me feel any different.

I think I just miss him a wee bit... and maybe I just want to see him a little too much.

No, I'm the Boss.

Boy, do I get defensive!

My 4th of July was spent over Henry's house with Paul and Tien, playing board games. It was so much fun. We played Scrabble and I'm the Boss. Scrabble is just one of my many favorite past times, and I'm the Boss was just a new one that's growing to be one of my favorites. It's a game filled with negotiation, bribes, and just all types of dirty bargaining. It was loud, gruesome, and torturous. Surprisingly I won in both games, while poor Paul was the one whom was always ganged up on. The game was so intense we even missed the fireworks because of it. But I'm fine with that because the game was just that good.

Anyways, that was my 4th. I can't believe I've been on vacation for almost two months now. I only have another two left... Time's going by way too fast.

Life is good.

Is it bad to say that I had more fun after coming back from New York than I had there, visiting family? I mean, I had a good time there for the most part, but so much has changed since the last time I visited that it doesn't feel right anymore. It actually worries me how much has changed and brings to me more sadness and desperation than joy. After realizing that, I pushed myself to leave as soon as possible - that being right after I saw my grandmother.

Coming back home felt like the longest ride ever. All I could think about was how things were like three, four years ago. I wanted people to be happy again. I miss the innocence embodied by the young. I miss the connection I had with everyone. They all feel so distant now. And to think, this all happened within four days...

All in all, I'm glad I visited, and I'm glad I'm back home. I got to see Dustin the next night and hang out with him for a full 24 hours. Everything's been going so well between us and I love the pace we're moving at. It's steady, effortless, and simply great. He's so endearing. I love how he's continuously surprised me and proved me wrong so many times already. Je l'adore.

P.S. Sorry for all the French. I'm just trying to squeeze some sayings in every so often so I can learn them. :)

Games.

I decided to hang out with Thomas after Bottom Line's block party, and boy, was it a good idea! After being denied of entry from Northeastern's library, we roamed around and saw a couple of people playing frisbee. Intrigued, we went our way looking to purchase one for ourselves. After realizing their convenience store didn't sell frisbees, we stumbled upon their Wiffle Ball & Bat. Without question, it was purchased. I can't even begin to explain how much fun we had with it. We attracted so many strangers and friends, playing a triumphant 3v3 game resulting in a 12:1, as well as tons of tossing and hitting. After hours spent playing Wiffle ball, we ended the day playing frisbee until dusk.

Even after waking up slightly sore and with a messed up foot, I'd spend my day like that all over again in a heartbeat.

So if you're ever with friends and bored, I'd recommend purchasing a Wiffle Ball & Bat. It has the potential to supply you with hours of incredible fun.

P.S. I think I'm heading off to NY tomorrow for four days. It's about time I visit the other half of my family. I should be back sometime Thursday. Don't miss me too much! I hope you enjoy your week. A plus tard mon ami!

Strangers.

I'm slowly coming to realize that you were never what I was looking for. Sure, you may have the charm and a bit of the sweets, but every time I see the "real" you, I see someone hiding behind a facade, a mask, not willing to show his true colors. It seems like you're tying too hard to be someone you're not, trying to fit into a world so different from your own. But maybe I'm just making an ass out of you and me by assuming. After all, I never got to know you that well...

Thanks.

I'm glad you're giving me the opportunity to get to know the side of you you don't really show anyone else. I feel a lot closer to you. I like knowing there's a side of you that can be serious. I admit that I wasn't sure if we'd be able to go anywhere with this, but with each conversation we have and after every time we see one another, those doubts slowly diminish. I really appreciate all the effort you've given thus far and I hope we continue to grow.

Oh, Leonardo.

I am currently reading Dan Brown's infamous "The Da Vinci Code" and completely hooked. Every chapter ends with a cliffhanger and leaves me wanting more. What makes the book even better is that there seems to be lots of interesting history in it, which I hope is all true, as well as the use of the French language! I can't wait to find out what happens next. I also want to finish the book so I can watch the movie. With that said, I'm going to go back to it. Au revoir!

P.S. Today's song is:

Blessid Union of Souls
Walking Off the Buzz
Hey Leonardo (She Likes Me for Me)

:)

I've fallen off the face of Blogger.

Well, not really, but I did for about three/four days. I have an excuse though! I had an interview with Adecco Wednesday afternoon, which I spent lots of my time preparing for, and then another on Friday (earlier today) for the Omni Parker House, which prolonged my preparations and stress. It's safe to say they both went well, although I can't be considered for the Omni because of school conflicts. Now, I'm just waiting until the week of July 6th to re-interview with Adecco in hopes to work for the Cirque du Soleil. It would be so awesome to work for such a renowned company! The only thing I'm worried about is the limited number of Usher positions left. I just hope luck comes my way and I get the job!

On another note, I received an email from Urban Outfitters stating that they're going to have open interviews this upcoming Wednesday. They never contacted me about my submitted job application, but I guess this is another shot, yes? I sure hope so. I'm not sure which job I'd want more though - Adecco or Urban... Actually, I'd most likely choose Adecco. When else would I get an opportunity like that? I can always apply to retail stores after. Wish me luck!

Little things.

They always get to me. As much as I try to get over Dave or tell myself that I am over him, his presence alone is just so hard to deny.

Over this past month, I've come to realize that I'm fooling no one but myself. Yes, he may have had feelings for me, or exhibited what seemed like feelings, but they mean nothing to him now - nothing strong enough for him to act upon. He probably looks at me as nothing more than a friend, while I do the complete opposite. It's just wrong. It's wrong on my part. I guess I've just realized he's not doing anything I wouldn't do, or haven't done. I just have to take everything he throws at me, and view it from a friends point of view rather than a lovers' - friendly hugs, friendly walks, friendly kisses on the cheek, etc. I mean, I do the same things to guys I adore but not necessarily like. Maybe that's what I am to him.

It's funny when the tables are turned and I get a taste of my own medicine...

---

On another note, here's one from my beloved's.

Ferraby Lionheart
Catch the Brass Ring
Vermont Avenue

Lovely.

I had such a fantastic night last night. It was wonderful - somewhat magical, even. It was fun, romantic, refreshing, exciting, new, everything. It was one of those nights you'd wish never ended. I had butterflies the entire time, and I don't think I've gotten them for quite some time now. But even with such a great night, a part of me still feels uneasy about everything. I think I'm just questioning where the road would take us.

However, those butterflies are still with me. I actually woke up with the remembrance of his scent. I miss it.

This one song lingers with me tonight...

Gavin DeGraw

Chariot

Follow Through

So, since you want to be with me,
You'll have to follow through,
With every word you say.
And I, all I really want is you,
You to stick around.
I'll see you everyday,
But you have to follow through.
You have to follow through.

Sex Appeal.

It took me a while to realize this, but I've come to believe it's the glue that holds relationships together - and all it took was one bad kiss.

So I won't give this guy a name, but all you really have to know is that he's one bad kisser. My first impression of him was, obviously, his physical appearance. He was quite a good looking man, and fit. He also had a sweetheart look to him, which is something I do find attractive. And to top it all off, he was a sweetheart. He was very caring, didn't take advantage of me when I was very tipsy (practically drunk) or alone with him, and he was also adventurous. In fact, he wanted to take me out on a date, which let me tell you, wasn't the typical movie and dinner, but mini golfing or batting! Now I don't know about you, but I've never heard of a man who mentioned mini golfing or batting before he mentioned a movie and dinner. On the other hand, maybe I'm just young and all the men I've ever dated were unemployed and practically broke. Haha.

Anyways, to sum it all up, he was basically one of those guys you could bring home to your mother - even to an Asian person's mother; my mother! But even with all his fantastic qualities, what always cut it was his lack of sex appeal. I hate to say it, but every time we kissed, my desire for him completely diminished. Is that why some people find the need to open their eyes when they make out with someone? So if the person they're kissing is a bad kisser, they can look at their physical beauty? I don't know, but it just sucks knowing how kissing makes it or breaks it in relationships. Studies actually show that "59% of men and 66% of women reported on occasion finding themselves attracted to someone, only to lose interest after kissing them for the first time" (Hooper). That's a huge percentage for something so seemingly small.

I guess the only reason why I'm really talking about this is because I tend to think about him from time to time, only to remember how little of a connection I felt due to his kiss. It's sad how someone could have so much, but all that can turn into nothing because of something so small.

Maybe it's just me, but I do think we as a society, have taken love and attraction to a whole new level. People never used to think this way...

Wouldn't change a thing.

If I had a chance for another try,
I wouldn't change a thing
It's made me all of who I am inside
And if I could thank God
That I am here, and that I am alive
And everyday I wake
I tell myself a little harmless lie
The whole wide world is mine.

Angels & Airwaves

Rite of Spring

Everyone should feel this way about life.

Cheers.

I've grown to really like them. They tend to be fun, relaxing, and just overall enjoyable. I have to admit though, that it is because I started drinking. Yes, I had fun when I didn't drink, but partaking in the festivities does actually make it all the better. However, it's not because I get drunk or anything. It's because I feel more integrated with everyone. I can now play beer pong without having to find a parter who would drink for me. I can share drinks with my partner instead of basically forcing him/her to take them for me. We can also make celebratory "cheers." All in all, it does come back down to integration. I know people accept me whether I drink or not, but it's all about personal comfort. I drink when I feel like it. Most importantly, I drink when I'm having fun - not to have fun. I think people forget that all too often. Drinking has become such a norm that people think it correlates to fun when it doesn't. Not all the time, at least. There's a reason why alcohol companies plaster their beverages with "drink responsibly." Sadly, it's not always taken seriously.

The Chase.

I'm not really sure what to write about at the moment. I feel like I can't say much about my feelings other than I'm not sure what I'm doing - about this boy, I mean. Haha. I'm confused. I'm not sure if it would be good for me to make a move. I'm not sure if he's ready for this or if he's matured to some extent. I'm not sure if I'm really what he wants.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I don't want to do all the chasing. I think I owe it to myself to be chased after. They tend to be the guys women stick with in the long run - those who work their butts off to get a woman. I think it'll also give him the opportunity to make a move and gain confidence...

Tattoos.

1. Something to commemorate my uncle: An ankle sock?
2. An anchor - Need to do more research on the history of tattoos.
3. Daisy

Mush.

The days are starting to mush together: reading, Facebook, AIM, reading, Facebook, AIM, blog. Yes, there are days when I go out, but that doesn't mean my everyday cycle doesn't go on with it. I just go out and come back home only to find myself reading, Facebooking, and messaging people all over again. It's almost tiring doing the same thing everyday. Well, maybe not tiring, but boring. I need some excitement in my life - something new. Maybe that's why I'm having this "crush" on someone. I really hope not because that would mean heartbreak all over again... I hate heartbreaks.

I'm getting lazy. I'm turning into this mush. I haven't done laundry in who-knows-how-long. I told myself I'd do it tomorrow. I haven't had an enjoyable run in a while. I always seem to be lacking energy - the drive to run. I think it's time to join the YMCA again, although I really don't want to be dependent on the gym. I'll have to reconsider. I hope I get a job at Urban. That's what I really need right now.

I'm such a blob.

Oh. By the way, "Fight Club" is coming along nicely - good book.

Book 4 & "The Perks"

I finished "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" earlier today and have already purchased my next book, "Fight Club"! I'm excited to read it - especially since I haven't seen the movie yet. I know, I'm late. But at least I get exercise my imagination before letting a movie do it for me. I'm glad I've picked up reading. As dorky at this sounds, I'm really enjoyable.

Also, before I disregard "The Perks of Being a Wallflower," I'd like to say that I loved the book. I don't remember getting through a book so quickly and willingly - not even Twilight! Chbosky, the author, did such a great job writing it, evoking sadness, love, uncertainty, worry, happiness, and all emotions for the main character. I felt as if he were my own friend. It's definitely something I recommend for people to read. What I noticed quickly after reading only a few pages was that the main character reminded me of someone; someone whom I think is a sweet, innocent, sincere, and loving person. That person is actually who I'm crushing on right now, and those are all the reasons why I have those feelings towards him. With that said, I think I'm going to give him "The Perks..." to read - my copy. This book has really reminded me of the act of kindness. It's reminded me how you're really supposed to love someone, how to sincerely care for someone, and how to thank people. It's also shown me that books are meant to be shared - things are meant to be shared. And this is how I want to start... by giving him this book. If he's interested in it that is. If he gives it a chance to see what I see.

That's how I feel about books right now. If I enjoy it, get something out of it, or learn something from it, why not spread this new knowledge? Why not spread this joy?

That's my two cents today...

Book 3

I'm on a roll! I've really been reading my butt off lately. I finished "In Persuasion Nation" in about three days! I don't think I've ever finished a book at my own will that quickly. Even though it's only a little over 200 pages, I'm proud of myself for finding the time to read. :)

Anyways, I've already purchased and started my new book, "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" by Stephen Chbosky. My English teacher recommended it to me, and it sounded like an interesting book, so I went for it! But there's not much for me to say, so ciao!

P.S. I'm going to apply for the Converse store opening on Newbury Street. :)

Womp.

Didn't do much today; just went to the beach and read. Starting to get cranky. Need to run. Bored. Need to get out of the house. Somewhat unhappy. Don't know why. Blah. Seriously need to run. :(

Done!

I finally finished reading the Twilight Saga!

I read so much last night, determined to finish Breaking Dawn by today. I could've even finished it last night if I hadn't decided to try to sleep! I just ended up rolling around for two hours until I realized reading would put me to bed quicker. So I did! I read about 40/50 pages more until I had ten pages left until the end of the book and decided to get some rest since I had to wake up early this morning. The reason for getting up early was because Paul, Henry, and I wanted to visit OB, which we did! It was a blast. We mainly hung out with Mr. Joseph, seeing as he's a super chill guy, and visited a ton of other teachers. It was nice seeing all of them. On the other hand, we didn't get to see any of the younger folks/seniors because they decided to make their skip day today. Joseph had a total of 17 students out approximately 79 that showed up for class. Haha.

Anyways, after OB, we separated for about an hour, me going home to get my Urban Outfitters job app., and Paul and Henry going over Paul's to play games and kill time. We met back up at around 4pm and then ate vermicelli for the first time in a long time (I'm only speaking for myself). It was delicious! Thinking about it only makes me want to eat some right now. Anyways, after stuffing our faces and playing with the oil in Henry's pho (I wish I had gotten photos of that), we headed to Boston Common to play frisbee! It's funny how thinking back on all this, I had so much fun, but really, I felt like I lacked so much energy. Haha. Well, I thought my day was fun. After playing frisbee, Henry left for a Posse thing, and Paul and I decided to hit Newbury Street to submit my job application. We basically wandered around, going into stores and walking out with nothing. It was enjoyable. We went our separate ways at around 8:30pm, and boy am I happy we did! I just caught the "The Bachelorette" when I stepped into the house, then finished Breaking Dawn right after.

Speaking of books, I'm "starting" a not-so-new one I picked up during my second semester at UMass. It's called "In Persuasion Nation," by George Saunders. He gave a speech at my school, which is where I purchased and got him to sign it. I figured I'd buy it anyways seeing as he's gotten so many good reviews and I wanted to pick myself up a book to read. It's composed of short stories, so it continuously supplies me with new crazy stories on a day-to-day basis. I read about 30 pages while I was back in Amherst, and both the stories I've read were already crazy and unforgettable. It's definitely a book that should pick up. Anyways, I'm going to try and read a few more pages before I pass out. I'm not planning to sleep late seeing as I didn't get much sleep last night, need to fix my schedule, and am about to pass this very second. So with that said, bonne nuit!

Nightlight.

For all you who have no interest in the book "Twilight" by Stephanie Mayer, but know a little about it, or even for those of you who do like it and are looking for some humor, you should check out the book "Nightlight" by Harvard Lampoon.

This parody is very funny, especially for those of you who don't like "Twilight." I've only read the first chapter so far and enjoyed it a lot. So if you're interested, the link to the first chapter can be found here. Enjoy! :)

Attraction.

Pretrial application submitted; OB Asian Night attended; ComCol application released; ComCol application begun.

As for attraction, I'm physically drawn towards someone I once dated. I just haven't acted upon it yet because I don't feel like we're at the same maturity level. Poo... (So much for maturity, huh? Haha.) Although, I wouldn't mind hooking up. ;)

Applications, applications...

 I get so overwhelmed so quickly when I fill out applications. I've been working on my pretrial application for days now and I'm still not done with it. It's just that I question everything before I put it down and I quadruple check everything a billion times before I can allow myself to go on further. It's a big problem. Anyways, this application has to be sent it sometime before 5:00pm tomorrow, so I have to bring it to a finish ASAP. And after this application is finished, another opens up the day after - the ComCol application. I should have more time to work on that one.

Anyways, I just wanted to quickly update you on my life before dozing off. I'm planning to sleep early so I can wake up earlier and finish this application on time. Wish me luck. Ciao.

P.S. My Black Pearl Pepper plant needs a larger pot...

Plants.

After Mike gave me a Black Pearl Pepper plant, I slowly became interested in growing my own. Our trip to the Durfee Conservatory also exposed me to tons of new plants, where I discovered a species that is becoming a favorite of mine. They're called Kalanchoe. The ones I saw at Durfee were cactus-like and rose-looking. They were wonderful. Sadly, I haven't figured out their names yet. However, while I was researching them, I did stumbled upon a different species of theirs (image on the right). But as pretty as they are, I can't find their exact name either. It's okay though. I'll figure it out sometime.

Anyways, my discovery of all these plants just reminds me and justifies my opinion that common flowers, especially roses, really aren't the best, most romantic, or most lovely plant. There are so many other plants out there that are a dozen times more beautiful, last longer, and are more pleasant to have than the common rose.

I have yet to find a man who believes the same and delivers them. Ha!

//Edited

Echeveria perle von      &     Aeonium ‘Kiwi’ :)

Bad habit.

I have the habit of putting things off. Yes, I guess you can call that procrastinating, but I don't really see it that way. I tend to put things off because I'm nervous, shy, or feel uneasy/unconfident about things - like applying for jobs. A lot of the time, I feel like there are many people much more qualified than me, causing the little voice in my head to put me down. It makes me feel unproductive, seeing as all I end up doing is sitting and thinking, and not working on my application. I need to end this. Therefore, I'm going to call Bottomline tomorrow, hopefully get some help with writing a cover letter for a pre-trial internship, and submit my application to them by Friday (their deadline). I'm also planning to submit my Urban Outfitters application as well as pick more applications up from other stores this week.

I'm excited. I've realized that this issue is just part of my mentality. I tend to think too much and not take action. It used to be a big issue when I did my school work, except I fixed it in that situation. I guess I just need to fix it in this situation too. With that said, I'm going to finish filling out my application and think intensely about the pre-trial one. Ciao!

Fifi!

I love my cousin. I finally hung out with her today since the beginning of the year. Surprisingly, we didn't follow our normal routine and go shopping. We stayed in instead. Although, it wasn't the greatest idea since we just stuffed our faces and hung out inside. It was nice nonetheless.

What I realized during our time together was that the only person in my family whom I'm really close to is her. It's not that I don't talk to my other cousins. It's just that the person whom I'm most comfortable with is her. I feel that if I were to get into some deep trouble, I'd probably tell her - although she probably wouldn't help all the time. Haha. I do love her though. Her harsh, playful self brings out the craziness in me.

Anyways, not much happened today other than our hangout. It's sad to say this, but I didn't end up going to that concert I was planning to all week. It was just bad timing and I had too much stuff to lug with me there. It's okay though. I'm sure I'll get to see him sometime or another.

I'm finally going to fill out my Urban Outfitters job application now... And you should give the artist I wanted to see today a listen. Here's one of his songs:

Ferraby Lionheart 
Catch the Brass Ring
Small Planet

DM.

Today was a good day. I met some of Thomas's old friends, all of them being incredibly friendly and welcoming, and hung out with an old friend, David M.

We didn't do much but sing karaoke and wander, but it was enjoyable. It's just nice meeting new people. I've gotten so used to meeting people on a daily basis that it's weird when I don't. I feel like I've been seeking adventure for some time now. I like it. It keeps life interesting.

Although I had a great time with Thomas's friends, I have to say that the highlight of my night was seeing David. I feel like it was out of luck that we actually hung out with one another. It seems as if we always try to hang out yet never fall through with it. I blame him for being such a busy person. (Yes, you heard me David! Just kidding.) Anyways, we walked from Allston to Fenway updating one another on our lives. Well, it was more me updating him and him listening to me-for the most part at least. I've missed him, and it wasn't until our walk that I realized how much I did. I had forgotten how sweet of a guy he was. I forgot how easy it was to talk to him. It's weird because I've always felt comfortable around him. I can't remember a time when I didn't. It's a natural talent of his. I hope we hang out more often. And if you're reading this, we better! Call me when you're free, or whenever really. Love you lots! :)

Late Nights.

I've been staying up really late for the past two days. It's because I've been catching up on my TV shows and reading afterwards. I don't think I want to continue my vacation this way. I want to start sleeping early and waking up earlier. That way, I can have more sun in my day. It makes me happier. I also want to start running in the morning. I've been feeling quite lazy even on the day I ran. Although, it is only because running was the only thing I did. I miss the gym. I miss the bikes, the track, the weights, and the mats. I feel like such a sloth when I don't do my usual routine. I also feel that way because I eat a stupendous amount of food while I'm home. I literally turn into a couch potato. It's bad.

Anyways, I am still keeping up with my reading. I've basically been reading 50 pages a day. I also got my Urban Outfitters job application today! It turns out that I'm not late because they haven't openly started looking for workers yet. One of their employees told me she thinks they're about to start looking for people for the summer. I'm going to send my application in ASAP. I really hope I get the job. I think I might also apply for Victoria's Secret or maybe a store in the Galleria. I'm not so sure yet, but that's only because I wouldn't feel too comfortable changing my wardrobe to fit their dress codes. That's why I like Urban. I feel like you can dress however you want to there.

But that's all for now. I'm going to get ready for bed, read, and then sleep. I plan on having a good run tomorrow and hopefully go out later on. Au revoir!

P.S. I went to Y.E.S. today and Dave (the counselor) told me some guys were asking about me some time ago. Could it be Dave? The one that I'm practically in love with? It's weird because as much as I say I'm over him and as much as I'm trying to be, there are always some thoughts that make me remember the look he has when he sees me. But I know I just have to keep telling myself and reminding myself that he's not interested and that he and I hate one another's guts - more so I hate his guts than he does mine.

I also went to Northeastern to hang out with Thomas today and we ended up seeing so much wildlife outside of Curry! There was a turkey flying around in the trees as well as a squirrel carrying a baby squirrel in its mouth. Sad to say, the larger squirrel dropped the baby! But it's okay because the baby survived. It was scary though. We also saw their nest, which was at the top of the tree. Who knew all this went on right in Northeastern's backyard?

Classes.

I've been trying to finalize my Fall 2010 class schedule for what feels like months now. I'm slowly getting there seeing as I finally handed in my course override form on Tuesday to take Kinesiology 171: Anatomy and Physiology, but I'm still far from being satisfied with my classes. My main problem is not being able to get into the classes I want to. They're all either closed, restricted to majors/minors, or both.

Some classes I've really been trying to enroll in are English classes. I feel like I've always been interested in improving my English (reading and writing) and have considered becoming an English minor at the very least for a very long time. What I really want to do at the moment is to replace my PoliSci class, which counts as a History Gen Ed, with an English course. I figured I can wait until the Spring semester to fulfill my history requirement since I'm planning to study abroad in a French-speaking area and learn about their history instead.

I've noticed that I've gotten really serious about my studies this past semester. I've really been thinking about my majors, possible careers, etc. I think it's because I'm trying to figure myself out. After all, I am getting older and closer to entering the "real world."

I've been meaning to write about this for some time now but never found the time to. I've thought a lot about age and the belief that with age, comes wisdom. And even though I have said that I've always looked at myself as being mature for my age, I, now, do see my past self as naive. It's interesting because I never thought of myself to be that way at that point in time. I assumed I'd practically have the same mentality later on in life. I guess I was wrong. I wonder if anyone else feels the same - if they believe the quote that "the older you get, the wiser you become." After all, I remember the majority of early teenagers thinking the choices they made were right. I wonder if there are people who never realize it...

Break.

Today was the first day of my break. I didn't do much of anything at all. I basically just stayed home and ate like a couch potato. That's actually what I've been doing all week, except I studied for my finals instead of staying at home. I haven't even hit the gym all this time, which makes me feel gross. And now, since I no longer have a membership at the YMCA, nor am I at UMASS, I'm thinking I'll just run around the track near my house or around the beach. I can't wait.

Being on break also means that I have to start doing my goals, which I've already failed to do so already! I told myself I'd go get a job application at Urban Outfitters as soon as I got back home, but never did. It's okay though. I told myself I'd stay home since today is my mom's day off and it would be nice to have her in my presence for once. I will, however, go tomorrow... if my brother doesn't use his T-Pass. Anyways, I figured I should list my goals/plans out so I wont forget or miss any. Here goes:

• Read daily (at least 50 pages a day for Breaking Dawn)
• Reteach myself a little French
• Look/Apply for jobs
• Continue running (maybe be able to run continuously for 3 miles before the end of my break)
• Hang out with old friends
• Get over or get with Dave (It'll be one or the other... most likely get over)
• Apply to be in Commonwealth College (application comes out on May 22)
• Sell shoes I don't wear and my books
• Clean out my clothes
• Continue blogging (trying not to miss two days)

That's all I can think of for now. I'll update this list if I think of anything else. And since this is all typed out, that means I should get started on my reading! Ciao. :)

One down.

It's sad to say, but my freshman year is basically over. I have one more final to take at 1:30pm, and then I'm done. I also believe it's my last day, which means I'm leaving UMass at around midnight. My mom called me on Saturday to tell me she's probably driving up later on tonight. I'm excited to go home, but sad at the same time. I'm going to miss everything here, especially the atmosphere. It's so calming. But I do have to admit that I miss my friends back home. I can't wait to see them. It's also good that I'm leaving so soon so that I can start job hunting. I really want to find an artsy job, or one at a retail store such as Urban Outfitters. (I might've said all this information before.)

I'm not really sure what else to say. I've been studying my butt off at the library for the past three days. I just took my Oceanography final, which was at 8am, and I think I did well on it. The next one I'm taking is my Biology "final" which is more of an exam because I had three professors, and this is an exam for information only covered by the last one. I'm giving myself some relaxation time because I've just been studying too much and need a breather. Also, after my final, I've made plans with Mike (the person who bought me the Black Pepper plant) to eat a late lunch and check out the Durfee Conservatory since I haven't yet. I feel a little awkward hanging out with him because he is, I guess, a little awkward (in a good way), and I think he has a thing for me. I don't want him to get the impression that I like him as more than a friend, but he's also a cool guy and I don't want to not be friends with him. I don't know what to do. I'm just not good with guys - never was. Hopefully he'll forget about me in the summer.

But speaking of guys, I've noticed that I have a thing for dorky ones. Haha. So for the past semester or so, I've noticed this guy at the library. I always thought he was cute, but nothing more. I didn't know anything about him, never heard his voice, nothing. He was just eye candy. About a week or two ago, when I was at the library writing my paper late at night, he was there. And he spoke! He was trying to use some machine and spoke to a 3rd floor RA in my dorm. Boy, did his voice catch me by surprise. It was one of the dorkiest I've ever heard. All I could do was chuckle and marvel at it. After that, I've been seeing him at the library all the time. Apparently, he works here. We've also spoken to each other twice! Once because he asked me if my workstation was missing a number, and the second because I found headphones at the computer I was using and gave it to him to return at the lost and found (he was supervising the room I was in). Anyways, we have yet to speak again. Hopefully I'll still see him around next year. He seems like a sweet guy.

I have to get ready and leave now. I'm meeting Maddie outside (the library) at 1pm so we can walk to our Bio exam together. Adios, and I'll probably catch you in Boston. <3